P. Kristen Enos

Active Voice Column: Wonderland

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:51:48 GMT

Since I tend to be a pretty solid sleeper, I don’t remember my dreams very often. Which is a shame because I tend to have pretty cool and fun dreams. They’re usually very vivid and rich that the bizarre things that happen in them seem very natural and real.

Now, even though I was a Psychology Major in college, I’m not a Freudian. I’m not into analyzing my dreams for any hidden meanings. Everything that happens in them is usually understandable and explainable to me. For example, when I had dreams that I’d fly (which was a lot when I was a kid), I viewed it from the perspective of being a comic book nerd most of my life.

On the other hand, I rarely have nightmares. In fact, I think last time that I had a dream so fearful and disturbing was back in my early teen years when I was religiously-minded. Since I’m no longer religious, I sleep a lot better.

But I guess it also begs the question of what defines a ‘nightmare’. And there were a couple of times in recent years that came very, very close by even my laidback standards.

In my hectic activist days, I remember being involved in pro-life/pro-choice matters. At that time, I had a dream that I had become pregnant (it’s a dream, remember?) and that abortions were no longer legal in America. I remember spending the last part of the dream trying to search for a means to an illegal abortion in the back alleys of Los Angeles. I woke up before it was resolved… at least I think I did.

In telling this dream to someone at a party, she made a comment about how great it was that I could take action in my dreams. That statement amazed me because it never occurred to me that frustrated helplessness could be a facet of bad dreams and nightmares. Because I don’t really have nightmares, I don’t spend a lot of time analyzing them for either myself or other people.

But the last dream that came the closest to being a nightmare for me was just plain bizarre. Yet, it was still explainable… kind of.

It was a work dream, which my best friend claims is the worst type to have. His philosophy was that because you’re already spending several waking hours devoted to work that you don’t need to devote personal time to it as well. And I can’t argue with that logic.

I don’t remember the exact timing of it, but it was at my current company and took place a several years ago. By then, I was firmly employed and well known in related departments. And I knew I was recognized as being very openly lesbian. (In fact, I think the magazine version of my “Active Voice” column was running at the time, and I knew I had some co-workers of various orientations who read it.)

So the dream began where my co-worker Mike and I announced our engagement to everyone in the office….

Yes, there was this tiny creeping feeling in the back of my mind that something just wasn’t quite right. But this was a dream, those feelings are normal.

And I remember being so proud and happy in my dream as everyone came up to congratulate us. Finally, someone said to me teasingly ‘So were you just kidding all that time that you said you were a lesbian?’

That’s when my dream-self went, ‘WHOA!!! Wait a minute!’ And then I spent the rest of the dream breaking off the engagement.

That’s the last thing I remember before waking up and thinking ‘Where the hell did that come from?!’

Now, no offense to Mike (who was a real co-worker), but he was nowhere on the radar of being in the range of what I would generally find attractive in a man back in my very brief heterosexual period of college. Plus, I don’t recall the two of us ever having a real personal conversation outside of typical co-worker camaraderie banter. In fact, I got along better with his ex and current wives, who also worked at the company at various points over the years.

And I admit that I’m very glad that there was no physical contact involved in the dream or else I really would’ve rated it as a nightmare, no matter how my dream-self would have behaved.

So the whole dream really was out of left field, and I can’t remember if there was any real life event or topic that would have triggered such a scenario. Unlike dreams where more bizarre, reality warping things have happened but could be traced to a root cause, I was completely baffled and disturbed by it.

I never felt the point was making me question my lesbianism, especially since the dream ended on the more than satisfactory path of correcting the situation. I think I was just confused by why would I have such a dream at all? What are circumstances and issues that my mind could be working through or playing with?

I finally felt comfortable with just accepting that it was a dream to show that I couldn’t perpetuate any pretense of denying my real myself. And I’m not just talking about my lesbianism; I’ve been accused of being too honest about many things and not putting up with social pleasantries that I’ve found hypocritical. But that’s who I am, and I’m glad my dream-self supports that too.

Now, of course, I just had to tell Mike’s wife about the dream when I ran into her in the hallway a few weeks later. (I would have told his ex too but she had left the company by then.) She laughed so hard that she was practically in tears. But then she looked at me seriously and admitted that she has no idea why I would have had such a dream about him either. We then went out separate ways after having a good laugh over it.

And I’m sure she told Mike about it. I certainly wasn’t going to.

He and I now work in very different departments so our paths don’t cross except maybe at the quarterly company meetings. It’s weird that every time I see him, the first thought I have is how relieved I felt when my Dream Self dumped him.

* * *

Want to know when I post a new column (or a publish a new book)? Send your email address to me at bgcpost2040 at aol dot com with the subject of "mailing list". Promise I won't share the info. Just want to make it easier to let my readers know when I've made another story public.

Hangry & Angry at Chibi Japan Expo in Paris!!! Update 2

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:46:42 GMT

Well, turns out the trip is going to be a little in "work" mode: with a group of people from the jph!p and Hitomi Heaven message boards, we made a request for press access to CJE and received approval today!

Still working on a direct interview, but it's definitely making my fangirl heart go doki doki!!!

Active Voice Column: The Ache of Those Left Behind

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:30:10 GMT

Back in July 4^th weekend, I had attended the Anime Expo in Los Angeles. Where in previous years I usually attended alone, this year was different because I was part of the fan group who were there to celebrate the U.S. debut of the Japanese number one all female singing group Morning Musume.

Earlier in the year, I had connected with this group through jph!ip message board because of the Hangry & Angry concert that had taken place in April in Seattle. Trust me, on the surface, it was a very unusual group for me to bond with: devoted to the more ‘frank’ appreciation of women in Asian entertainment, sports and etc. from a mostly male perspective. But I had found a certain appreciation in the honesty of it all, and learned to focus on the elements that mattered to me, and to let live the elements that would ruffle my feminist feathers.

So I agreed to join the group that would gather for the Anime Expo event, which resulted in activities like hanging out at Hollywood’s In-n-Out Burger, a bowling alley and, of course, passing the time in lines for the various Morning Musume related events at AX.

During the bowling alley event, I had a very brief encounter with a young American man whose username was “Jabronisaur”. And that was how he introduced himself to me… So not being a person particularly chat room or message board-centric, I quickly moved on.

But a week after the event, when everyone had returned to their domestic and international homes, I discovered that while he may have been a bit of a Dude he wasn’t above issuing a public apology for something he ranted about. And that impressed me. I decided to use a new message board feature of leaving a “thank you” on his post but, me being me, I had quickly become distracted and moved on.

When I came back a couple of hours later, there was a big message on the board that had indicated he had been checked into the hospital with an urgent request for information from anyone else had become sick during the event. I quietly watched as post after post was made of people trying to offer their status of healthy vs. ill as well as constant comments of concern for Jab’s health.

Jabronisaur (a.k.a Tim Marks) fell into a coma and passed away on July 16^thdue to complications of rare pneumonia.

While I had no feelings of real personal loss at the news, I couldn’t help but absorb all of the messages and discussions between people who were devastated by his passing. After all, while it may have been mostly virtual, many of them had known him for years, some exchanging messages and chat several days and/or nights in a row. Comment after comment summarized his presence as being a genuinely nice guy. There were even several messages by people who wished they had met him given the outpour of care and grief that was public for all to see. (The link to the thread is here.)

The reaction reminded me of the overwhelming grief and pain related to the AIDS Epidemic that was at its height when I first became an activist in the last ‘80’s. But at least with AIDS, you usually saw the end coming. You could say good bye to people when they were still here.

But it’s such a different thing when you take for granted someone being there and suddenly finding out that they’re gone.

In the early ‘90’s, one of my best friends was a gay man named Karl and his best friend was a man named Dave. And no, we’re not using a pseudonym for “lover”. They really were just best friends. Karl was in his late 30's and I think Dave was in his 50’s but they had known each other for decades and shared the similar experiences of coming out to the west coast to escape the Middle American small-town mindset towards gay men.

Because Dave lived out of town, I had only met him once in the several years Karl and I were friends, and I admit it was towards the end.

Dave had moved in with Karl to start a new life, and I had never seen Karl so happy to just have him around as a presence. On one evening when I had stopped by to take Karl out for some event, Dave and I chatted for only a couple of minutes but I could immediately tell he was definitely full of life with a very wry sense of humor. My one visual memory was of him holding up a brand new poster of shirtless men in jeans and remarking how tasty one of the asses looked. Definitely a man who loved men.

It was only a few weeks after that fateful meeting when I came home late from work on a weeknight and saw a message waiting for me on the answering machine. A very haggard sounding Karl said that Dave had suffered a heart attack and died earlier that day. Even though it was about 11 p.m. and I was exhausted and had to work the next morning, I immediately called him back to find that he was unsurprisingly awake, and offered to spend time with him if he wanted that. He took me up on the offer by stating that he just couldn’t stand to be there in the apartment alone right now.

So I walked right out the door, drove to his place to pick him up, and we spent several more hours just sitting on the beach and talking through the beginning of his grief. He had mentioned that he had a conversation with Dave a few nights before that Dave didn’t feel “right”. As a result, Dave had gone to the doctor to check it out. The doctor told him he was fine and sent him home. And then Dave had his heart attack the next day.

Because Dave didn’t have a significant other, Karl was left with the task of overseeing all of the funeral arrangements, and having to deal with Dave’s very conservative family. Karl made certain that Dave would be buried in a two piece suit that he would never wear when he was alive, but that underneath he would also wear raunchy underwear as Karl’s personal tribute. It wasn’t at all surprising why they were friends.

I honestly don’t think Karl was ever the same since then, and I had continued to know him for a couple more years before he moved away permanently.

The practical side of me has the philosophy that in the eyes of nature and fate, all humans are all worth the same. There is no preferential treatment of who lives or dies when it comes to major disasters, illnesses or accidents. It’s the human factor that starts to determine who is really more important in the terms of society and history.

Tim and Dave are not people of power, influence or any other lasting legacy that can be “tangibly” measured. But when you die, if you have at least one person who genuinely misses you for no other reason than you made a difference in his or her life by being there, then I think you’ve accomplished the highest achievement possible in this seemingly cynical and bitter world.

Active Voice Column: The Prim and Proper Path to Me… No, Seriously

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:52:58 GMT

After over two decades of being openly lesbian, my experiences have proven that I’ve shocked more people by telling them that I’m not an alcohol drinker. Sometimes it’s actually awkward enough that I usually add that it’s been that way all my life (meaning, I’m not a recovering alcoholic.)

I honestly don’t consider a glass of alcoholic as drinkable liquid. You might as well suggest that I drink a glass of ammonia. And to me, it’s no more controversial than the fact I don’t drink coffee either. I’m not adverse to having alcohol cooked in my meal, and I do like an occasional rum-flavored desert. But that only happens like once or a twice a year.

Ironically, it started because of religion. Around the age of eight or nine, I became Baptist because of the neighborhood church I had attended, the fire and brimstone kind. Along with the Ten Commandments, I had the moral principles of a spinster schoolmarm including, of course, the rule of don’t drink alcohol – which didn’t really matter since I was underage.

When I reached the age of about fourteen, I finally realized that I didn’t have the personality for religion. So I eventually allowed myself to relax about the behavior I tolerated in myself and the others around. All except the alcohol thing.

That last part completely baffled my parents, who almost always had an alcoholic drink at dinner. What they didn’t realize was that they had inadvertently helped my lack of interest in alcohol.

As a teenager, it was my chore to wash and dry the dishes after dinner every night. Since Mom was an excellent cook, specializing in doing dishes from scratch, there were usually a lot of items to clean up. And more often than not, when I’m doing the final “dirty dishes check”, I would see a glass on the counter and not be sure if it was clean or dirty. The quickest way to tell if it needed cleaning was to do a simple sniff, and I would usually get the smell of stale beer or wine. Not at all pleasant for someone who had no appreciation for the stuff.

So when my family was transferred to (West) Germany during my senior year of high school, it was a “wasted” opportunity since the legal drinking age was 16. While I went to high school parties where alcohol was consumed, I was again the uninterested party.

Then I went directly to living in the dorms for my first year of college at University of California at Irvine, where I was regularly exposed to the “fragrance” of pot from other rooms on our floors. And of course, there were parties that had alcohol available. I still attended to have fun; I just simply didn’t drink any alcohol as part of my own activities. The only thing I miss out on are drinking games, which was hardly something to cry over in my mind.

And irony on top of irony, during college, I had to manage a concession stand where we would serve beers for basketball games and concerts. I know how to pour beer from tap with minimal foam. I just don’t drink the stuff. Of course, my aversion could have been reinforced in those years to many, many hours of after event clean-up duty, that included emptying trash cans filled with cups of stale beer. I assure you it’s a nauseating smell.

It was also amusing that I used to organize parties and potlucks with the task of having to buy drinks. I would look at bottles of wine in the stores and be absolutely clueless of what to choose. So I usually went for the prettier bottles. I didn't have any complaints and I found out from a training bartender that it's a pretty safe rule to follow.

When I started going to gay and lesbian dance clubs with friends, I was always the designated driver, which was a role that continue to this day if the possibility of needing one occurs.

And when I say “possibility”, I’ve realized that the close friends that I have now aren’t really drinkers either. Again, not because any of them are recovering alcoholics. It’s just not a past time or a beverage that factors into anything that we consider to be part of our regular lives.

Now, when I think about it, more and more, I’m convinced that the ‘shock’ factor is more around the revelation that it’s me, because with my personality, people would think otherwise.

I’m extremely liberal in my views, have a pretty ‘live and let live’ attitude about people’s excesses around me, and am hardly considered a prude. In fact, I was once told by someone that she thought I had the dirtiest mind of anyone she ever knew. (Given that she was a theater actress, I thought that was a dubious achievement.)

So it makes me think that people’s view of drinking alcohol was synonymous to how conservative you were – unless substance abuse problems were part of the picture. And especially if you were liberal, you wouldn’t tell yourself ‘no’ to what are usually viewed as the simple pleasures of life.

I remember at a recent party, I would be in conversations with similarly liberal people from subjects like at what age did we lose our virginities. I don’t remember everyone’s answer other than having to clarify if “freshman” meant college or high school. (And in fact, I think the answer may have been junior high.)

During the course of the evening, someone was raving about a particular alcoholic beverage they were drinking and insisted that I have a taste. I simply declined, which was usually enough to end the matter. But this person persisted and asked if I just didn’t like the type of beverage it was. So I clarified further that I didn’t drink alcohol at all. In less than five minutes, that person ended up “moving on” to chat with other party attendees, as if we had nothing further to talk about.

It was hardly the first time I’ve noticed this pattern with people.

About two or three years ago, I was finally convinced that it was the contrast to my personality that really shocked people the most.

Shortly before then, I had been a bus rider for a few years, which is very, very unusual in Southern California, which is so well known for its car culture. It wasn’t a case that I couldn’t afford car payments, I just had different financial priorities at the time. It became a departmental joke about how people could literally see me walking up the block to and from the bus stop to the office building.

Well, I have since bought a car and do the regular commute with everyone else. One day, when I took a co-worker out to lunch who happened to be an outside of work friend, we were chatting about the no-alcohol thing for some reason.

It was then she laughed and confessed to me that during my bus-riding days, someone from the department actually approached her to ask about why I took the bus to and from work. This person, (whom she didn’t name and I didn’t ask but could sense didn’t really know me), asked her point blank if the reason why I rode the bus was because I got my license taken away for a DUI, (Driving Under the Influence - usually of alcohol.)

And though I laughed at that, my biggest concern was making sure my friend did tell this person that was not the case, without going into the whole non-alcohol thing.

After all, I have a reputation to maintain.

Hangry & Angry at Chibi Japan Expo in Paris!!!

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 06:29:21 GMT

Yes, when the news broke today, the little fangirl in me had to book my plans to go! (Plane ticket is set; just room and con tickets to go!)

If you want info, see this thread on jph!p msg board.

I'll be arriving a few days early to go to the Lourve (yes, I'm a nerd), and then do Japanese goth rock concert stuff.

Should be interesting since I don't speak French and I'm lactose intolerant (French food being all about the Dairy). Oh, and I'm American.

At the least, should be a lot of little stories out of this adventure.

(Oh, and I AM going to go to their Tokyo concert next year too!)

Farewell ADV: A Small Thank You from a Fan

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:27:13 GMT

The anime industry has definitely taken its lumps in the past few years, and I admit my own interests have waned from over-exposure of material that promotes itself to be lesbian-friendly but truly isn't.

However, I should note that I felt a certain sadness at the recent announcement of ADV Films dissolving after providing a valuable service to bringing anime to the U.S. (and other English speaking markets). See article at Anime News Network.

While one can say it's just corporate shuffling, it's still a sad thing to have happen from purely a fan perspective. ADV was what introduced me to anime (specifically the cyber punk anime "Bubblegum Crisis 2040".) And I was one of the many, many fans awaiting the sequel "BGC 2041", when they had announced the license way back when. And I admit wholeheartedly that I loved some of their other products, such as the dubbed "Ghost Stories" series, "Steel Angel Kurumi", "Noir", etc., etc., etc. I became a fan of certain voice actors because of them, (too many to bother naming.)

Hopefully the move will continue to provide good quality works in Englihs, even it is just subbed format. (I'm anxiously awaiting the U.S. release of "He Is My Master", and happily have my copies of "Princess Resurrection.")

Fingers crossed that this is the worst that's going to happen before things get better.

Active Voice Column: Just who the heck am I?

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 03:00:57 GMT

When my column was published in the local magazine, some of my readers actually knew me in real life because of my involvement in the LGBT community. I realize that a heck of a lot of you now might be thinking “Who are you?” So I figured I better present a more formal introduction since I have the means of doing that here vs. the space-limited magazine.

This following excerpt is from my About the Author page in the back of my latest book “Deseo”:

I was born in Bangkok, Thailand, and raised a U.S. military officer's brat. I officially came out at the age of 20, though there were several earlier moments that could have been considered suspicious… like having a huge crush on my kindergarten teacher, Miss Price (sigh).

I spent my twenties being the self-proclaimed Lesbian Radical Activist by doing the volunteer thing, and then spent my thirties recovering from it. All the while, did the corporate thing to pay the bills – a curse that still happens at the point of this writing.

Formerly a columnist, having written the “Active Voice” column for The Orange County Blade Gay and Lesbian Magazine for a couple of years, which focused on my real-life adventures of being an out lesbian in the 90’s. Was a journalist and photographer for the local gay and lesbian press. Volunteered with several non-profit LGBT organizations, most notably Laguna Outreach, of which I served on the Board of Directors. Speaker on several gay and lesbian panels, mostly at University of California, Irvine and Irvine Valley College. And a lot of other things that I’ve forgotten, either due to the passing time or on purpose or both.

I had volunteered several years with the Los Angeles Women’s Shakespeare Company in non-acting capacity. I also made a tiny name for myself on the Internet with writing an epic continuation fanfic of the anime series “Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040.” I wrote reviews and analysis of lesbian content on the now defunct website “This Lesbian’s Guide to Anime and Manga”. (You can blame AOL getting rid of their Hometown service and content for that.)

I still live in Orange County, leaving occasionally for work trips, Vegas, Broadway and Tokyo.

* * *

Now, I would add more about me but then what would I write in my columns?

Want to know when I post a new column (or a publish a new book)? Send your email address to me at bgcpost2040 at aol dot com with the subject of "mailing list". Promise I won't share the info. Just want to make it easier to let my readers know when I've made another story public.

Active Voice Column: Giving An Unexpected Answer To An Unexpected Question

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 07:30:41 GMT

The last day of August marked my official seventeenth anniversary as an employee of my company. I joke with friends that it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had, including a two year “dating” period of being a temp before being hired permanently.

That doesn’t mean I’ve been doing the exact same work thing for seventeen years. Far from it. I’ve been part of several different departments and several different work teams. And of course, that means several different supervisors and peers over the years, some of them who have become good friends over time.

In the early years of my employment, I made a conscious effort to come out to every supervisor within the first few days of reassignment. My reasoning and motivation was simple: fair treatment and support should a homophobic moment with a coworker arise.

At a previous company, I had a part time job where about fifteen of us sat in a large room and processed papers the entire time. Of course, when you’re in that environment, conversation happens and a radio was constantly playing to provide background music. Back then, while being a college student, I kept quiet about myself for the most part because I do believe in appropriate work conversation vs. private conversation.

One night, a newer employee responded to something that was said on the radio that was gay related, and started to go on a homophobic rant. I naturally got tangled up in his tirade, but never fully coming out in the conversation. I basically made the impression that this kind of conversation was not appropriate in a very diverse work group.

Two things came out of that incident.

I was so personally livid, that I pulled my supervisor off to the side and came out to her, since she had just witnessed this whole exchange. I simply stated that should this conversation come up again and it turns much more homophobic, I will have no problems speaking to defend my right and respect as a member of the working team. I basically put her in a position by telling her that if she did not support me in those moments, then I have no problems going to HR should the need arise.

Of course, she responded that she would make sure that such discussions would be dealt with, and that I could count on her as support on all matters, gay or otherwise, that may affect my productivity and comfort as an employee. Not that I really gave her a choice in the matter, but it was nice to be given that confirmation.

Later that day, the guy who started the rant apparently realized he went too far, and really took my comments to heart. He actually apologized to me and we hadn’t had a problem since. This was in the early ‘90s, back when protection for employment in the work place for being gay was new and very controversial.

With that incident as a model, when I was hired to my current company (seventeen years ago), I made a point of having coming out discussions with all of my supervisors. And I’ve always had the positive response that I have come to expect with people who should be professional in their roles.

I eventually became a little lax about having such supervisor conversations since sexual orientation protection in the workplace was far more recognized, and I ended up working within the same group of people for years. Still, it’s nice to still be able to be comfortable with my coworkers in social settings, so I expected gossip to take care of any coming out moments. If they didn’t already know – of which there were very few.

So then about four years ago, my company had a major reorganization. Not only new supervisor and teammates, but adding the component of people working not only in different cities but states as well. Suddenly I had a co-workers who were located up north in the state of Washington while a group of us remained in Southern California. Because I had worked with a handful of them on previous projects over the years and gone on business trips, the gay thing had come up.

It was a little personally awkward for me because I was so out of practice with coming out, because everyone in my life knew. And some people would say, they’re co-workers, why bother and isn’t it inappropriate for the workplace? To me it’s an issue of fairness and honesty in friendships. Just like if you have lunch with co-workers and they talk about their personal lives, it should be the same for someone like me. It wasn’t a case that I felt I needed to come out to people, I just wanted to if I felt like someone was going to evolve into a true friend. And meanwhile, nobody blinked an eye while they openly celebrated (heterosexual) engagements, weddings and birth of children.

Problem was that at that time I didn’t really have any good topics or opportunities to bring up my lesbianism in the various lunches and dinners I had when I did business trips up north. I didn’t have a significant other to talk about, nor any personal projects or organizations to create conversational opportunities. (I wouldn’t be surprised that to this day that some co-workers think I’m closeted because I honestly don’t go out of my way to bring up the gay thing.)

In the mean time, I got to know my new teammates’ personal info fairly well, either through direct or indirect office conversation.

The particular instance I’m leading up to happened when my supervisor at the time, Anne, was having challenges with her husband and two sons being home sick while she was trying to be virtual caregiver from the office. I don’t recall how I actually knew about that because I don’t really chit chat with her about that kind of stuff. I think someone must have made a comment in passing since we had discussed how many people were sick with the latest cold that was going around.

Later that day, I was on the phone with another co-worker from the Seattle office when an instant message window suddenly popped up in my computer screen.

I personally don’t like instant messaging as a tool, but I’ve grown accustomed to using it with remote co-workers in a highly dynamic environment. It’s very handy when people are on conference calls most of the day and you just need a quick answer to a question or problem you’re researching.

This time the message was from Seattle co-worker Brad, who was very well known for not being… accurate about whom he tries to starts instant chats with. At the time, what I knew of him was that he was a self-professed farm boy with traditional Catholic family values. Otherwise, he was a pretty friendly and fun guy with a good sense of humor.

His instant message was very simple: “How are your men? They feeling better?”

I was in mid-sentence to my co-worker on the phone when I read that and immediately burst out laughing. She naturally wanted to know what I was laughing about.

Well, at that point, I considered too much information as very appropriate response. I read his instant message to her and mentioned that since I was lesbian and I thought it was hilarious. She responded with “Oh.”

And so I immediately typed an IM response: “Hi, Brad, I believe this message is for someone else because I’m a single lesbian without children.”

No response. For at least five minutes.

Finally, he responded: “You’re right, I meant this for Anne. Thanks!”

And I closed the chat window thinking that exchange was over.

I decided to leave the subject at that, with both Brad and the co-worker on the phone.

Eventually, the gay thing did come up again, especially since Brad and I had gone on a business trip together and had opportunities to talk a little more freely about personal subjects. And it helped that I knew Brad was into “casual information sharing” so I’m sure he discussed me with other co-workers up there, (and I had eventually found out that was true.) We’re now able to laugh about all sorts of things to this day. I got “Twilight” stuff from the San Diego Comic Con for this daughter, and he knows about my lesbian writing projects.

It wasn’t until last year or so that the subject of the instant message exchange actually came up in front of Brad and Anne when I was in a trip to the Seattle office. I didn’t know it at the time, but one of the first things Brad did to my instant message response was print it out and walked to Anne’s cube. He wordlessly handed the paper to her and let her read it for herself.

I honestly don’t think she knew about my lesbianism before that moment but Anne admitted that she laughed so hard that she had her head on her desk for several minutes. And then she promptly called other people over to share it with them.

* * *

Want to know when I post a new column (or a publish a new book)? Send your email address to me at bgcpost2040 at aol dot com with the subject of "mailing list". Promise I won't share the info. Just want to make it easier to let my readers know when I've made another story public.

Active Voice Column: My Lesbian Root Cause? Don’t Know, Don’t Care!

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:13:14 GMT

I can’t remember exactly when I started speaking on gay and lesbian panels but it had to be around the early 90’s, when I was involved in the Gay and Lesbian Student Union (GLSU) at University of California at Irvine. I did them on and off for about five years, also taking opportunities to speak at other colleges and universities as a Co-chair of the GLSU as well as a board member of other non-profit organizations outside of UCI.

On the surface, it’s a great opportunity for egotistical people like me to have an hour or two to answer questions about being gay to educate people. It’s about showing faces to stereotypes, breaking down negative assumptions and answering questions that wouldn’t be answered otherwise. And it helped if you were charming and fun in your stories and answers. Again, this was before the internet being so available for people as an information source.

The panels usually start off with a self-introduction that always included as much (or as little) information about your background in general and your coming out process. Once all of the panelists have said their piece, then it usually opens up to audience driven Q&A.

My introduction usually consisted of explaining my military brat upbringing, religious background of having been devout Baptist (and currently agnostic), and officially coming out of the closet at the age of twenty for a woman who made me understand what it was really like to be passionately in love with someone (which hadn’t happened regardless of gender until then.) I liked given less information in my intro because it usually spurred questions about things I didn't address because usually the audience or class had preparation time and their own personal curiousity agendas.

The key thing to keep in mind is that while you’re there to answer questions from your own experiences, the audience members will more often than not take whatever you say as truth applying to ALL gay people. This applies to your appearance as well. You can’t help but be very aware of wanting to break the bad stereotypes as well as proving that “we” are just like “you”.

And it can be a little bit dangerous.

Though these have never happened on panels that I had been on, I had heard stories about heated confrontations that were usually religious in nature or extremely homophobic. Luckily, I had never heard from any of my co-panelists of these moments turning physical. There is this expectation that there is this level of basic respect from the audience in the questions they ask, and from the panelists in the responses that are given. It was not uncommon to have questions about molestation and abuse experiences – which is not something you would typically ask of a total stranger.

I remember once when I had to observe a panel where the person speaking was sooo incredibly ignorant and full of false information about gay and lesbian history and facts about AIDS. This kind of ignorance can happen, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you are immediately and magically granted community knowledge. You have to educate yourself just like everyone else. I remember that night vividly because I was going nuts in the audience in my frustration of not speaking up and publicly undermining this person.

But for the most part, I loved the experiences of educating people about Kristen the Lesbian (and AIDS) Activist. Yes, I have short hair and prefer jeans, but I’m not a man-hater, out to prey on little girls, or a walking source of disease. And over the years, I had built up enough experience and confidence to know how to handle questions that were potentially controversial. I’m a firm believer that there is no such thing as a stupid question as long as those moments are treated as a genuine opportunity to educate, if not just the speaker, but other people in the room who never say anything.

So it kind of surprised me that one of the last panels I did, someone from the audience asked us how we became gay. I really think my surprise was that I hadn’t encountered that question sooner given that by then I had done over two dozen of these speaking engagements.

I remember answering something like I hadn’t seriously considered and it wasn’t important to me. But I added that how I became gay isn’t the point for me, but that I fully accept the responsibility for acting on it. I was pleased to see a handful of students in the audience respond with surprised “Oh!” and start to furiously scribble that down.

Now mind you, I was a double-major in Psychology (the study of the individual) and Sociology (the study of groups). I know the arguments about nature vs. nurture, even outside of the gay issue. Is a genetic make-up what determines who you are? Or did your environment shape you? I believe it’s a blend of both for everything in your personality and your life.

But I also know that back then and to this day, people who typically ask the “cause” question for gay (or lesbian/transgender/transsexual/etc.) are coming from the perspective of something that needs to identified so it can be fixed or prevented. And I won’t enable that because that’s just the person I am. (I’m sure it doesn’t make my parents feel better because I know it was on their minds, and probably still is.)

I don’t really blame people for taking that attitude given the controversial state of being gay. After all, people don’t question the “norm”; the elements that are “abnormal” get all of the analysis.

I’m not saying that I didn’t have my coming out issues, but my struggle really was around “Am I?! And if I am, what do I do now?” When the possibility of being lesbian was very real for me, it was like a light bulb was shining on thoughts and behavior that I had in the past but never really labeled. I was never the type of person to sit down and think “Oh whoa is me! What can I do to change me?”

If I had contemplated the “cause” question for myself back then, I honestly don’t remember whatever answer I came up with. That reaffirms my belief then and now that it wasn’t important to me. So my answer of “don’t know, and don’t care” still stands.

* * *
Want to know when I post a new column (or a publish a new book)? Send your email address to me at bgcpost2040 at aol dot com with the subject of "mailing list". Promise I won't share the info. Just want to make it easier to let my readers know when I've made another story public.

BGC Post 2040 Fanfic Finished!

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 05:30:47 GMT

Hey Folks,

Just thought I'd post the announcement here that I've finished the latest and probably last installment of my fanfic saga.

If you're interested, here's the link to all seven stories posted on fanfiction.net:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/60497/P_Kristen

This also means I am now free to work on other things again!

Next up:
1. Another Active Voice column: "My Lesbian Root Cause? Don't Know, Don't Care!"
2. Lesbian Ero novella #2: "The Sequel"
3. A sword and sorcery story that I probably won't post anything more about until I get near to publishing it, which won't be for a year or two. But, yes it's got some major lesbian themes, including morality, faith, all the fun stuff!

Later!
K :)

Active Voice Column: Getting A Speeding Ticket While Driving Under The Influence of Creativity

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:37:28 GMT

Or: How I managed to break the law while being completely sober, not using my cell phone and not texting

Due to an extremely busy work schedule and a lot of crazy personal activities and trips, this weekend was my first real break with no real plans whatsoever. Since my birthday was coming up this week, I decided to treat myself yesterday by going to the local casino as a means of burning off some steam. And I knew if I didn’t do it then, I wouldn’t have another opportunity for at least another month or so. I hadn’t been to the casino in question since the beginning of the year so I felt I was due.

Now I fully admit I like gambling as a means of multi-level entertainment and indulging in a different atmosphere of people dynamics and intellectual stimulation I don’t get in any other environment. I prefer my gambling time to be done in Vegas, so I can also indulge in a show or two or great food. But I just wasn’t in the mood for that kind of an intense weekend trip, especially with the next work week expecting to be very stressful and busy. (And in case you curious, I play craps and blackjack.)

Meanwhile, one of my personal projects was building some intensity of its own: my fanfic saga Bubblegum Crisis Post 2040 (which was inspired by the anime “Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040”.) The latest mega story installment that I was writing was reaching its end, and I was mentally thrilled that the story was coming to its conclusion in the way that it was.

And I’m not kidding when I describe it as a mega saga. I had originally launched it in 2001, and wrote six stories until I concluded the series in 2003. I was inspired to write it as a major lesbian story arc was left unfinished (in my mind) at the end of the TV. series and I wanted personal closure for that. It was a pretty rich universe that was my canon interpretation of the continuation of events based on the original BGC material that had been released several years earlier as direct to home video releases. My fanfic series was popular and meaningful, enough that there was a reference to it in the ADV commentary track of a DVD re-release of the series.

Now, I don’t recommend fanfic writing for anyone. It’s very limited in its rewards. You don’t get any money or ownership of the material, but you get to connect with like-minded fans on your favorite mutual passion. And if the material is good enough, you get a blip of internet fame in this subculture.

For me, it proved that I could actually write a complete story and make it public. Having been a writer of fiction for as long as I can remember, I had never been able to fully complete a story to the point of being able to present it for readers. The first Post 2040 fanfic story was what helped me get over that. So if for nothing else, the experience was rewarding for me in that way.

However, I loved the writing the series enough to continue with several hundreds of pages and indulging in the enthused reader responses as a result. If I had any regrets about ending the series the first time was that a significant lesbian story arc was still lingering that would take another mega installment to resolve.

Well, circumstances happened in that I was inspired to tackle this last story arc in December, over five years after I had thought I was done with the fictional universe. After a slow writing period of several months, I had just wrapped up the third part of the four part story last week. But instead of taking my usual mental break, my mind was bubbling with ideas of how to bring this lesbian love story (and potentially this entire fanfic universe) to a graceful conclusion.

So that was my mind set of how I drove to the casino yesterday.

I spent the seventy-mile trip mentally buzzing with story ideas and fictional dialogue that I could actually hear the characters speak.

And in hindsight, that was not a good mental state for spending a day at a casino

I am a good gambler… when I have concentration and discipline. My decades of gambling stories are legendary amongst my friends. But when I’m not focused, well, I lose just like everyone else.

And so, after several hours of good and mostly bad streaks, I had gone through my bankroll and decided to drive back home. Even though I was physically and mentally tired, I was burning to get in front of my laptop and finalize what’s been going on in my mind. I could tell I was going through writing withdrawals.

If you’ve never had a creative high, I would think it’s similar to any mental buzz caused by any activity you might be passionate about. It could be a hobby, sports, whatever. For me, it’s the best mental condition to be in, and it’s a must to take advantage of it whenever it happens, because it’s not always guaranteed for any writing project I do.

So it was approximately 11 p.m. on a Saturday night. I had driven over fifty miles of my trip back when the red lights of a police car sudden appeared behind me. I was so mentally focused in driving and thinking that I was genuinely surprised.

Now, I’m a Southern Californian driver. Just like a lot of other Southern Californian drivers, I speed. The trick is that you learn when and how to speed. Never be the fastest car on the road and always check for cop cars. Otherwise, going a little faster than the speed limit sign is pretty much the norm.

I remember a few years ago watching a news spotlight by a reporter about how L.A. drivers don’t pay attention to the speed limit. (I immediately thought this reporter must be from out of state.) To prove his point, he had some traffic official drive a car in the fast (left) lane at the speed limit while he had the TV. camera focused on him while he pointed out how many drivers were passing them in not a nice fashion. (I’m also thinking that be my reaction if I had been behind them.) The reporter kept talking for a minute before the official who was driving declared nervously that they really needed to get out of the fast lane – without emphasizing the fact that they were technically going the speed limit.

That’s the norm in Southern California for driving.

I should also point out that I have an almost excellent driving record. I’m very conscientious and safe. The only other time I had ever had a speeding ticket was over fifteen years ago when I was also driving a long stretch and had been under the influence of strong medication.

And so I was caught driving 80 miles an hour when the speed limit was 65.

I had pulled my car over in a side street and the officer came up to my passenger side and immediately focused a flashlight in my face.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding? Did you realize you were passing other cars?”

I admitted that realization, and I felt I had to explain that I had “zoned out”, which of course caught his attention. Immediately, I said instead that I had a long night and was driving on auto pilot (which I don’t think sounded any better.) Still, it was a better explanation than “Officer, I was mentally distracted with a lesbian fanfic series that I’m writing.”

So then he asked me if I had been drinking.

This is a very ironic question to ask me because I’m a life-long non-alcohol drinker.

Despite having both parents who were connoisseurs, I’ve never developed an appreciation for alcohol as a drink. I’m always the designated driver, even when I go on business trips with coworkers. In fact, even my group outings in college were usually with the expectation that I could be the driver of very inebriated passengers.

I told the officer that I hadn’t been drinking.

So then he asked where I had driven from. I answered with the very well known casino fifty miles away.

Hearing that response, he then asked me again if I had been drinking, with focusing the flashing in my face from two feet away. The tone in his voice was incredulous. I can imagine in his position that he doesn’t usually get non-drunk speeders from a local casino at this time on a Saturday night.

I answered frankly, “Nope, I’m completely sober.”

Something about the way I answered must have finally convinced him that I didn’t need to take any drunk driving tests. (Which is good because I was a little physically and mentally tired and I don’t know how I would have done but I think my irritation would have been quickly obvious even though I would try my best to hide it.)

And so, after signing for my ticket, I was on my way home.

Talk about momentarily bursting the creative bubble.

When I reached home, instead of jumping on to my laptop to hammer out the next chapter of my fanfic series, I started searching the internet for information on potential fines and traffic school criteria.

And so, girls and boys, about 24 hours later, what did I learn from this? When the Creative Muse speaks, you listen!

This is going to be a damned expensive fanfic series! These last few chapters had better turn out be good.

Update on Sep. 3: So I got the ticket in the mail. $262 to attend traffic school. Sigh. Hopefully I'll get a column out of this. Got to check if gay traffic schools are still available.

* * *
Want to know when I post a new column (or a publish a new book)? Send your email address to me at bgcpost2040 at aol dot com with the subject of "mailing list". Promise I won't share the info. Just want to make it easier to let my readers know when I've made another story public.

Announcement: Return of My "Active Voice" Column!

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:10:55 GMT

Since I just delivered a batch of chapters for my BGC Post 2040 fanfic to my betas, I thought I’d take this brief mental break to make the announcement that my column is returning in the cyber world.

“Active Voice” was the name of my column in the Orange County Blade Gay and Lesbian Magazine. It ran for about four years in the mid-90’s before I just frankly burnt out in writing it (and activism in general). I had a wonderful opportunity to spend a few hundred words a month on real life adventures of being an out lesbian in ultra-conservative Orange County, California.

So why try to resurrect it?

Simply because I have stories to tell from the perspective of a semi-retired lesbian activist with a devilish way of looking at life. And people seem to like them.

I was right in adopting IshiYoshi as my current creative muses because my desire to put on my columnist hat was sparked by my “Hangry & Angry” reports. The feedback I received proved to me that there’s always an audience for fun slice of life material, which is what I regularly share with my real life friends over lunch and dinners.

Plus, now that I’ve made my first steps into the self-publishing world, I want to pursue an old idea of collecting my original “Active Voice” columns with stories behind the stories plus new material as well. But let’s see how far I get with this.

So, I AM mentally bubbling with a lot of column ideas. And I really am a writer who needs to have a handful of projects to juggle at a time for balance and diversity.

I’m going to try to target a posting at least twice a month (probably raw from my brain – meaning no beta readers) just because getting into the discipline of producing written work is far more important to me at the moment.

I’m planning my first one this weekend. Maybe I’ll see you then?

H&A & MM in the US July '09 Wrap Up

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:16:57 GMT

Given that Anime Expo 2009 has now come and gone, this is going to serve as a wrap-up installment for both events:

I shouldn’t have been too surprised given that after the Sakura Con concert, I (and the other fans) had a post-concert “high” that I haven’t had at any other performance. When I went back to my Seattle Hostess’s home and reported out on the concert, I was clearly very energetic and enthused.

My enthusiasm from the entire trip clearly affected those around me. It also set a very high standard for all performances I’ve seen since this. (Seeing Cher in Vegas in May felt very anti-climatic after the up-close concert of H&A! I was very stunned by that realization.)

I was very glad to read the post Con report that H&A management was very impressed by the professionalism of the event that there would be a good chance more acts would come back for future Sakura Cons. And I have no problem with this becoming a yearly gathering. (My Seattle-area hostess was so intrigued by the stories I told, and the H!P DVDs that I played for her, that she said she wanted to go the next time.)

With MM at Anime Expo, I expected to be in “support mode”, which meant I’m there to be a fan presence, with low expectations and being grateful for whatever good would come out of it. I discovered a renewed interest in the current MM line-up as well as bonding with other like-minded fans.

Despite my aversion to message boards in general, I found myself starting to post “regularly” on JPH!P (as Linna2040), which would not have happened if I hadn’t gone to these events. It was because of these people that both events proved to be unfortunately, not only because of the significance of the acts involved, but meeting people who shared a common spirit of making the best out of such events.

Most importantly though, I’m feeling building angst about not knowing the Japanese as well as I should (given that’s where a majority of my entertainment interests currently are.) It’s something I know I have to get off my butt about sooner rather than later.

And meanwhile, I’ve made promises with other fans to hang-out more at the next gathering, wherever that may be. I’m starting to research how to get an M-Line fan club membership for a U.S. resident like me. (If anyone can help with that, I'll be eternally grateful!) And I’m keeping active watch on the latest and greatest news related to IY and H!P.

Now, going back to the idea of IshiYoshi, which started this whole thing for me. Where am I with that?

I’ve now become a passionate fan girl over any romantic news or gossip of I and/or Y. It’s actually very embarrassing. I don't have high hope of them ever formally coming out, at least not while they're actively busy with their entertainment careers -- which doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon. I can see myself becoming horribly depressed if either of them get married to anyone but each other (regardless of gender.)

But as I said before, I want to enjoy this as much as I can. So it’ll be one day at a time. The key thing point for me is that I want them both to be very happy, and it’s clear they are when they’re with each other in work and/or play.

On a related note, though, when I had to decide on a design for the cover of my erotica novella "Deseo", since I didn't have cover art, I gave the design instructions of having the theme based on pink and purple, R & Y's "official" colors from MM. Probably the only such book in the world with such a color-theme. :)

I’m also glad to see that H&A popularity is still going strong, with the announcement of Japanfiles having to restock their CD. And they’ve voiced a strong desire to play AX next year as well as other places.

Maybe I’ll see you at the next international H!P concert? Even if it’s not on U.S. soil! (Which I think I would be a blast!)

[Wow, now I can go back to writing other things...]

Hangry at AX '09

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 06:34:39 GMT

[Update Sep 3: I decided to tag this as an honorary Active Voice column since it was what really inspired to start writing it again. This story is about my latest/last encounter with Japanese pop idol Hitomi "Yossy" Yoshizawa, formerly of the singing group Morning Musume and currently of the duo Hangry & Angry (with Rika Ishikawa). I would recommend that you google her before reading this installment, or read my own summary starting at H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 1: This really begins over 20 years ago. At the least, it's enough to know that's she's VERY popular with women of all nationalities.]

Since this story overlaps with what would have been my final Sakura Con installment, I realized I needed to write this first and see what would be leftover for me to write to close out that first con experience.

This really began a few days before Sakura Con, when I had been visiting my lesbian friends in Eugene, Oregon. I came armed with videos of IshiYoshi and other H!P material to show what I was up to, and to balance out hours of Takarazuka musicals they were going to show me.

In the course of my five day stay, the ‘Zuka fan Rachel also became a Y wota. To the point that during the Elder Club’s “Thank You For Your Love” concert, she griped about how feathers didn’t belong in Y’s hair.

And when I finally arrived home from the trip, I left her a message that if she wanted a verbal play-by-play of my Sakura Con experience (instead of waiting for me to write it up), she needed to call me. She called the next day and I gave her the tantalizing details.

In the time between the two conventions, I had other H!P things to occupy my time. One of them was sorting through my almost 2,000 official Y photos that I had either bought directly from Hello! Shop or via Japan auctions. Of course, this included a lot of duplicates.

Since I’m not one to easily throw things away if I know someone would value them, I decided to compile a few for Rachel as part of a gift package. I sent Rachel an email stating what I had in mind and that I assumed she wanted pics of butch Yossy. Rachel responded emphatically “Yes! The butchier the better!”

So with that rule in mind, I started to compile a dozen or so photos that I determined would be good: Mr. Moonlight, Gatas, Kanashimi Twilight, etc. Finally, as almost a joke, I included this photo with the thought “Well, she did state she wanted BUTCH!”

When Rachel got her package, she sent me an enthusiastic email stating how much she loved the pictures. But her favorite one was the plaid shirt shot because Y was just so cute and adorable.

When I read that email, I thought incredulously “You’re kidding!”

(Mind you, this would have been the same reaction I’d have had if I had witness some person gush over R in her more bizarre V-U-Den costumes.)

So I laughed about it as just another quirkiness of the people I call my friends. Yet I admit I could see where Rachel was coming from, though I would not have rated that picture higher than the others I had sent.

Fast forward to AX and the announcement that Hangry & Angry would appear.

Like everyone else, I was thrilled, even though I already felt like I had the ultimate fan experience at Sakura Con. But when it was clarified that it would only be H, I relaxed a little. As I’ve stated before, Y without I (and vice versa) is not as interesting to me, but I wanted to be the supportive fan nevertheless.

Unsurprisingly, it was announced that H would do an autograph session that Friday, and that’s when the idea struck me to get the plaid shirt photo signed as a gift for Rachel. Doing that would give me a real goal to try to achieve at AX, especially since I wasn’t as passionate of an MM fan, though I really wanted to see them perform.

As AX drew nearer, I started to have some personal doubts with my plan. First of all, that picture would not be in the top 99% of Y pictures that I would want signed. But I had to remind myself that the picture is for Rachel and not me.

Second of all, I was honestly concerned that I might offend or embarrass Y in some fashion. After all, it’s not exactly a representative photo of her attractiveness, even during that time period. And I could see a more cynical person responding in a defensive manner. However, my gut instinct told me that Y was a classier person than that.

Third, this could possibly be the last time that I would EVER have the opportunity for her to sign something and I would be wasting it on something like this. I had to remind myself that up until that point, Sakura Con was the best autograph experience possible and I wasn’t expecting to ever top it.

Still, I can be stubborn when my mind is on a mission. But I did seriously think that I should learn how to say in Japanese “It’s for a friend.” Just in case.

So for my first real task of opening day at AX I had bought my FOURTH H&A CD just to secure an autograph ticket, (though I now only own three since I gave one to Rachel). I also read in the rules that “The artist Hangry will only sign ‘Hangry’” which was cool for me since I already had my ‘Hangry’ autograph from Sakura Con. And once I read that the autograph was guaranteed, I was able to participate in the rest of AX with low expectations and be grateful for whatever other good might come out of it.

After some infamous AX autograph line drama, I was finally in queue to get this photo signed. I had brought other Y pictures just in case I changed my mind at the last second (like I had done at Sakura Con.)

So imagine things from Y’s possible perspective: You’re charismatic and hot. Women and men are crazy about you. And you’re signing item after item of H&A material with an occasional H!P item slipped in. You haven’t even looked up from finishing the last person when someone puts down a picture of you at age 18 when you’re in your chubby period and dressed in dyke casual wear of a t-shirt and a flannel over shirt…

Y just stared at the picture for a moment and declared a surprised “Wao!!!” (I think that was the sound.) She then looked at me, and I gave her a sheepish smile, which showed my very real embarrassment. And I decided to take responsibility by NOT mentioning that it was for a friend.

Then she just smiled and signed “Hangry”…

and I reached for the picture in thinking that she was done…

and then she also signed “Yossy” and handed it to me.

I was floored and managed to blurt “Thank you!”

(Now, some jaded fans told me that if you had just asked Y to sign “Y”, she would have done it. But the point is that I didn’t ask her to sign anything. She did it on her own!)

And so I left the autograph area thinking “I’m keeping this photo. What Rachel doesn’t know won’t hurt her!”

Every fan I talked to agreed with me. (And, Rachel, if you ever read this, I’ll find a way to make it up to you!)

But the real icing on the cake came when I checked the message boards and looked at scans of other people’s items that Y had signed as “Y”. And I thought something looked… different.

I really hadn’t studied her autograph since I had quickly put it away for safe keeping. It wasn’t until Sunday night that I finally pulled the photo out again and noticed what that difference was: she had put a heart in her Y sig.

Sorry, Rachel, you are NEVER getting this picture…

* * *

Though, on an IY note: I did point out to fellow AX attendee and IY fan DifferentStory12 that it was cute that Y signed the H&A poster not only with “H”, but also “A” with the heart as well.

Maybe that was a theme for her this weekend. ;)

(And congrats to the JPHiPsters for winning the poster in the charity auction!)

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 9: Footnote: R & "Sailormoon"

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 19:16:30 GMT

Since this has become a point of extreme amusement on the other message board where I've been posting my con reports, I thought I'd add this here as well:

For everyone to understand the full implications of R liking "Sailormoon", I thought I'd do this summary:

Michiru Kaioh (Sailor Neptune)
- the feminine senshi, into things like make up and romantic moments
- has a Girlfriend (yes, capital G, as confirmed by mangaka Takeuchi) named Haruka Tenoh
- still VERY popular with guys and enjoys the said adoration (to a point)
- is a famous celebrity/entertainer (violinist)

Haruka Tenoh (Sailor Uranus)
- the tomboy senshi, to the point of being mistaken for a guy because of wearing men's clothing
- can be extremely femine and sexy when she wants to be (in the manga anyway, and in her sailor outfit)
- the girls LOVE her! and she openly flirts with them (to a point)
- though primarily a race car driver, is also a famous celebrity/entertainer (pianist)

Michiru is the boss in the relationship.

Sound familiar in an IY sort of way?

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 9: Q&A Panel: Anti-Climatic? Or Not?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:50:31 GMT

In response to Little D texting me that the group had now gotten into the line for the Q&A Panel, a couple of hours before the panel itself, I was genuinely confused when I arrived at the hall where the panel was supposed to be and did not see a line, much less the fan clique. It took a little bit of educated guessing (and wandering around) to find that the line was in the next hall over, but hidden behind some panels. Apparently this was the line up space for the Gilgamesh panel the previous day.

And sure enough, the fan clique was at the beginning of the line, and had now grown to about a dozen people, including the Asian female wotas that had shared line territory with us for the concert.

By then, the group had apparently got into “expert mode” of how to the pass time since we still had a couple of hours to go: someone was playing the Elder Club “Thank You For Your Love” concert DVD while people bonded over the experiences of the weekend and H!P/J-Culture knowledge in general. It was also a time when people started to discuss the upcoming MM concert at AX as the next big thing to look forward to even though it would be almost three months away.

It really surprised me how many people did NOT list either R or Y in their Top 3 fav Musume of all time. In fact it was discussed a bit about how the fan attendence at Sakura Con was undercut by the MM @ AX announcement, where folks opted to go to latter instead. Those that went to Sakura Con were happy enough to have an official “H!P” event to show there was indeed a fan-base on this side of the Pacific Ocean.

Now while discussions were happening, I couldn’t help but notice the Japanese wota were very focused on the concert video, to the point that they were clearly memorizing the choreography to the songs. It wasn’t until that point that it really sunk in for me on how important the choreography was to their marketed audience. I guess because the concert DVDs don’t show the crowds, so you don’t really have a sense of what the fans are doing except for calling out nicknames when appropriate.

Regardless of the actual quality of the choreography, especially for idol acts, I will be the first to admit that it does take skill and talent to execute movements that may not be natural for your body. For example, when I’m out on the dance floor doing my own thing, I’m a pretty good dancer, but the moment I have to count steps or memorize other movements, I suck. So I definitely respect H!P acts where half a dozen (or more) people are trying to execute a song with the precision and energy level of a cheerleading squad. It just never really occurred to me that Japanese wota would take it to the next level of trying to learn the moves themselves.

That being said, I have to admit I haven’t been dancing for a while, but I can see that the next time I hit the dance floor, some of my movements might be unconsciously influenced by H!P dance motions. That should be interesting since the clubs I go to probably won’t be playing the H!P music to match.

And while I’m watching some of these wotas do other activities like preparing sign-boards, it was clear that the process and experience of preparing such items was just as important as any other fan activity that could be involved with the celebrity or idol themselves. Again, there’s fan support and there’s FAN support.

Though it was amusing to note that everything is allowed to be put on hold when GAM performs.

And it was great to see the Q&A line stretch out with a lot of people, whether existing fans or newly converted from the concert of the night before.

Okay, so now we come to my official Sakura Con gripe number three: SOMETHING got majorly FUCKED UP with this line situation! I saw Con staff occasionally check up on us, assuring that the Q&A room would be cleared out and we would be in the first row.

That didn’t happen.

As the panel start time arrived and no one came to fetch us, some anxious fans checked out what was going on. It turns out that people were seated inside for the H&A panel and no one had come to let us officially know. So after moments of chaotic confusion and panic, it did turn into a bit of a frenzied “get in there NOW!” moment as we and the other people in the line rushed in to get the best seats possible, which were definitely NOT starting at front row.

And the programmers decided to start off the panel with the “Kill Me Kiss Me” video, which would have been awesome to watch on big screen with a bunch of other fans. Would have. If they had actually got it to play all the way through instead of repeatedly freezing up after a minute or so.

But what bits they did show included a couple of the lesbo interactive moments, which of course solicited some fan hollering, though not to the volume and intensity of those similar moments in the concert.

Now I know some people have already posted transcripts of the Q&A itself and so I’m going to focus on my personal impressions and recollections rather than worry about being technically accurate. Again, I purposefully did not read those transcripts (yet) because I wanted my reports to be as “unbiased” as possible.

I was very pleased that, for the most part, the fans were definitely respectful to them in the questions asked and the attentive given to their answers. Of course, I wrote “most”.

Through the various events of the weekend, I noticed significant attempts of flirtation (by usually male fans) at one or both of R and/or Y. And so when the couple of questions like that were asked at the panel, it was not surprising that while the other fans clearly made their disapproval known, and the translators intercepted by not translating the questions and creating comical responses on R & Y’s behalf.

Now R and Y aren’t stupid, and I’m sure have dealt with this their entire careers. Personally, I would have liked the translators to have passed on the requests to hear R and Y’s responses, which I’m sure would have been clever, Japanese polite, or both. Ah well.

But to view things on a general level, this is hardly the first time I’ve been to Q&A panels where fans made inappropriate personal requests or offers. Sometimes you just can’t tell if these people are truly socially clueless to the fact that they had lined up to see the celebrity in question, not the other way around. It’s more than a little embarrassing for everyone else involved, especially in THIS situation where I think both sides are anxious to make the best impressions possible, H&A/R&Y as Japanese entertainers for the first time at an event targetted for U.S. audiences, and we as American fans showing support.

(Holding breath as I tried not to imagine too much right now about the MM Q&A panel at AX.)

I personally got out of the panel a couple of things:

I couldn’t help but notice that R touched Y a lot, whether on the hand, arm or shoulder. It was as if the ‘hands off’ aura on H!M after the tabloids scandal never happened. Y, on the other hand remained seated forward for the most part, but it didn’t seem like she minded the touching at all – as she appeared very comfortable and used to it.

There were also several times that they seemed to check with each other on answering questions, either having the same answer, or comfirming that their answers were aligned or okay with the other. People who are interviewed as independent, individuals usually don’t do that, or at least not as much even if they’re in a professional duo or group.

And in hindsight, I have to chuckle when I think about the question of their favorite manga (or was it anime?) and while Y answered “Shin-chan” (which I also like btw), R answered “Sailormoon”. That manga scene of Michiru being approached by an anxious male fan, and Haruka intervening to keep him from getting too close, suddenly has a whole new dimension and meaning if R is a fan of the series as well. Possible self-identification on R’s part?

And so the panel ended and the second autograph event happened. It was very pleasing to see the line wrap around two and a half sides of the large room. It was a good enough final sight for me personally before I left the con to make my way to the airport…

Of course, I kicked myself again when I realized that I missed their appearance at the closing ceremonies…

Next: Part 10 : Aftermath. Some post event related H&A/IY anecdotes and thoughts about the upcoming MM @ AX event.

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 8: The Concert: AWESOME!!!

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:07:03 GMT

Let me clarify something: though I joke that I’m an energy efficient old fart, I do know how to party. During my twenties, my friends and I would go clubbing almost every weekend in West Hollywood and hold my own on the dance floor with the gay boys. But that was over a decade ago. So going to a goth rock concert was hardly intimidating as much as I was out of practice being an active concert-goer. Also, if the act isn’t good, there’s no way in hell I’m going to get into party mood. As I’ve written earlier, the true test of an entertainer in my eyes is that ability to do a good live show.

Also, I purposefully have avoided watching all of the official H&A con videos because I wanted to write this account based on my own intellectual and emotional memories where possible. The report may not be technically accurate, but the point is that the impressions and memories are what really stay with you in the end.

And so I joined the gang in the mosh pit, almost dead center and with only one person in front of me! Armed and decorated with various glow items, I was ready for the concert to begin. The only drawback was that I spent the next few hours trying to keep my spot while dancing and trying not to trip over my laptop backpack at my feet.

But even with such prime positioning, the opening band experience made me (and a few others) a little nervous. So when the opening act, Miyuji, played and it was immediately noticeable that I couldn’t hear/understand the singer at all though the music was more than a little overwhelming. The sound system was THAT bad.

Up until the performance, I had to wonder about Miyuji’s persona since the lead singer introduced himself at the reception as a big hentai fan. Something that I’m sure that probably horrified all of the native Japanese speakers who may have had some concerns about national pride and appearances to Americans (e.g., IY.) My personal conjecture of course but that was my biggest impression of the band up until their performance. But because the sound system was so bad, I wasn’t able to leave with a better impression that musical talent may outweigh a little bit of joking ‘in your face-ness’.

Unfortunately, the concern about the sound system added to potential concerns about what H&A would sound like when they took the stage. That was the last thing I wanted personally and for their hopes of the best possible first U.S. performance.

So when Miyuji left the stage, and we were waiting for the REAL concert to begin, I had to refocus my expectations and concerns.

I had watched the Ongaku Gatas “Come Together” concert DVD in March and though I liked it, the almost lack of IY-interaction concerned me. With H&A openly marketing lesbian sexuality, I hoped that OG’s hands-off aura from that tour wouldn’t overshadow this concert. I also wanted the audience to respond positively to anything that H&A did on stage, no matter how subtle or overt.

To me it was a cycle to follow: Note whatever significant behavior H&A/IY may do on stage, take in how the audience reacted to it, and then how H&A/IY would react to the reaction.

Unfortunately, with writing this account two and a half month afterwards, my memories did blur a bit. So here are the significant points that are still very vivid for me:

When H&A first took the stage, the sound system was great (whew!). And I was glad to see that while there was some choreography, they seemed to have moments where they were allowed to improvise with whatever they felt at the moment. And the audience responded “American-style”, spontaneously responding to music and moments as required.

With her training from H!M skits, Y started the concert as being in very composed character, of however she defined the character of “Hangry” to be. R struck me as being a little bit more loose and relaxed as she went with the flow of the songs. As the concert progressed there was moments that you clearly thought “That’s not Angry, that’s Rika. But’s perfectly okay!” And Y clearly shifted into rock mode as required.

The first time (of several) where R would touch Y in a very staged, lesbian-seductive way, the crowd screamed. Yes, SCREAMED. And I admit myself included. The two of them were clearly surprised by the strong reaction, but it was clear that it was a pleased surprise. And it also showed how many women were in the concert crowd, which was something that I’m sure wasn’t typical of an H!P concert. Either way, it was very clear very early in the show that America LOVES IY!!!

During one of the early songs, when I saw the two of them position themselves for the next choreographed moment, they exchanged a look and a smile that was clearly a moment between the two of them. When I saw that, my concerns about them remaining formal with each other finally faded. And I looked forward to seeing them exchange looks as the concert went on, thrilled to actually see their smiles evolve to a private chuckles or laughs.

And the crowd frenzy caused by R’s leg stroke in KMKM version 1 just pushed all concert energy over the top.

Another cute moment was when the two of them had arm full of glow ring in the colors that matched their characters. They both started pitching them out into the audience. (And let me tell you that it sucks being a short person surrounded by taller people in those moments!) Y got through her batch very quickly, flinging out handfuls, while R seemed to be paced at doing pitching them carefully one at a time. And as expected, Y was soon standing on the stage waiting for R to finish, which was clearly a moment of amusement between the two of them as R rushed to catch up.

Now when the “Happy Birthday” song was played, I honestly think the only person who was more surprised than me was Y. Like I had written earlier, I thought it would be an encore moment. But since it was quickly evident of being a surprise, I was able to happily and quickly adapt to R’s present, though I did use “Y” instead of “H” in the name part of the song.

I remember dancing, arm pumping glow sticks and singing along with what few English lyrics there were. But I admit that my less energetic nature did get the better of me towards the end of the concert. Any time one or both of them looked in the direction of where I was, I jumped up and down and pumped my arms like crazy. The moment neither of them had their eyes in my direction, I put my arms down and relaxed/recooperated. I thought my arms were going to fall off. I admit though that it would have been worth it.

As for the KMKM encore version, my recollection of that moment was when R started her leg stroke (as she did the first time), I immediately spotted that wicked glint that flashed on Y’s face. I swear my heart almost flipped because I just knew she was going to do something to R that was not planned! The chain of events built with Y’s impromptu grab and hug of R, with the latter jumping in surprise but then playing into it. I screamed with everyone else at what I considered to be the ultimate IY moment of that weekend – or in any recorded memory, including the OG “Come Together” PV ‘kiss’!

When the concert concluded, everyone seemed to be in an emotional and physical high. As we left the concert hall, I asked the very seasoned H!P wota Terrie if she had ever been that close in a concert before and she admitted only once. She seemed just as thrilled as the rest of us. It was this pure crowd energy and fun that carried into our fan group’s meal at Ruth Chris afterwards.

For all of you who weren’t there, you unfortunately missed something that I don’t think can be recreated in terms of dynamics and circumstances even if/when H&A perform on U.S. soil again.

But I’m definitely not stating that you shouldn’t support them or go see them if you have the chance in the future. I certainly will!

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 7: The Concert: Waiting

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 09:33:37 GMT

Special comments: With Anime Expo literally around the corner, I know I HAVE to wrap this up before my head starts spinning with H!P stuff again. Also, too many Yossie things have been happening these days as a sign that I should be getting back into hard-core fan mode.

One of these signs occurred tonight because I am currently working my way through Ayaka’s Surprise English Lessons, which means watching quite a few I hadn’t seen when I was into Morning Musume the first time around. The key one that I just watched was Ayaka teaching Yossie the phrase “When pigs fly” and suggested that Yossie should use it in response to people asking her (Yossie) when she’ll get married. This was aired in May of 2002 (a couple of months after the IY tabloid articles appeared). Makes you wonder if the girls knew something back then. Hmmm… Yes, I’m having a heck of a lot of fun in (re)discovering IY stuff in hindsight.

Onwards, or actually, backwards to April 2009:

Let me start off my concert day report by stating my official Sakura Con gripe number two: special wrist bands were offered to people so they could line up in a priority line instead of the regular attendance line. However, these wrist bands were only offered to people who stayed in official Con hotels. So anyone who was local (or staying with locals like me), couldn’t get one. I would have willing paid for one if it had been possible (like it is with AX), but that was not the case – or at least not from what I was able to find on the official website. While this was a one time event moment for me, I couldn’t help but think the Sakura Con folks were screwing their biggest supporters of local attendees.

So not being able to secure this priority wrist band beforehand led me to not feeling as enthused as my fellow H&A fans about the concert itself. I knew it would mean that I could only hang out with my main crowd for a little bit before I had to join my proper place in line with the non-wrist banded folks, which would result in a very different experience for sure. This was also the reason why I wasn’t as committed about lining up as early as possible since I knew I would most likely have to pass the time alone since I was sure everyone else in our fan clique had these coveted wrist bands.

And so I arrived at approximately 4p by walking into the hall where lines had already started to form. What had immediately caught my attention though was the sounds of H&A rehearsing in the next room over (the actual concert hall.) You couldn’t hear the singing that clearly but the music was unmistakable.

Sure enough, the fan clique was in towards the beginning of the priority line – like within the first 10 people, which included some female Japanese wotas. More new faces had joined the crowd, so again, the more the merrier. So members of the group told me they had heard the entire rehearsal set, (which is a damn good way to pass the waiting time.)

Now, I believe it was Big D who noticed that I wasn’t sitting down to join them in the wait. I pointed out that I did not have the pink wrist band of privilege so I was going to go join the other line. It was then revealed that one of the crowd had somehow gotten some extra wristbands and one was offered to me, which of course I accepted. (Whoever it was, I am forever grateful to you!)

Once I was fully settled down for the wait, I could focus on the music that we were hearing. While I don’t play an instrument or sing, I pride myself in having a little bit of an ear for music. So I was purposefully listening for songs that didn’t sound like the standard H&A album list of 5, especially since like many other fans, I didn’t know what they were planning to sing for what we’re presuming will be an hour concert. I especially wanted to know if they be doing any H!P material along with new H&A material. I knew there was internet buzz of a new H&A song but that only brings the official set list to 6, sooo…

And sure enough, I heard a very familiar melody that was decidedly H!P and not H&A. Unfortunately, when I pointed this out to people sitting next to me, I didn’t know (and probably couldn’t pronounce if I did) the song title. But it certainly made me feel relieved that while Sakura Con publicity of focusing on H&A (NOT Ishikawa Rika and Yoshizawa Hitomi) wasn’t completely exclusive of the H!P connection. Yes, we did hear some songs that sounded unfamiliar and more in the style of Goth rock.

Finally, the music seemed to stop and fan conversation started to resume. After a few minutes, “Happy Birthday” could be heard through the walls. Everyone knew it was Yossie’s birthday and hearing such a song was really not surprising. But since they rehearsed it last, and well after the regular set, I assumed that it would be an encore moment, which would have been incredibly cute.

With the rehearsals now done, over two and a half hours of waiting with other fans is still a very loooong time to deal with. And I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t pass time well if I don’t have anything to occupy myself with. So having established my place in line, I felt comfortable going back to my car to grab my backpack and laptop so I could work on my lesbo ero novella, that I was finalizing for self-publishing. (A strangely ironic thing to do while waiting for IY/H&A but I thought appropriate.)

Unfortunately the mood wasn’t quite right for me to work on such material but then I realized I had H!P fansub files on my laptop that I had brought to educate to my Eugene friends. One of the files was Rika’s Hello Morning graduation episode, which I played for everyone sitting around. Talk about being a fan-popular way to pass the time!

Other than the momentary appearance of the H&A mascots, there wasn’t much else of significance to note from the next few hours. But it was heartening to see both concert lines start to grow with anxious concert goers.

I had to admit I wasn’t quite sure what to expect of the crowd. While I know some of us were H!P educated, I wasn’t going to make that assumption of the rest of the attendees. I’ve watched enough of my H!P concert DVDs to know that concert fans behave very differently in Japan than in the U.S. (even though it had been a very long time since I had personally attended a concert that didn’t have assigned seating.) I knew the Japanese wota had this thing about calling out the nicknames of girls as they sang verses of the song. I was really hoping the Sakura Con crowd would not do that, but would rather be “American” in that the music and the performance was really more important.

On the other hand, I was also hoping that H&A wouldn’t be so focused on idol choreography, that they could relax a bit and just sing and perform without worrying about making sure their arm or leg was in the proper position or in timed movement. While I respect the intense choreography that can be involved for H!P concerts, it wasn’t really something I wanted to see for H&A. Though some planned performance movements are fine. J

As the starting time grew near, it dawned on me that I was saddled with my laptop backpack that I just didn’t get around to taking back to my car for some reason. When we were finally let into the hall, it was this factor that made me contemplate following the group of people who were headed towards the seats versus the mosh pit, being the practical and lazy old fart that I am. However, when I saw that the mosh pit was still almost empty and that this was my opportunity to have the ultimate concert experience, I decided to take the mosh pit option.

This was probably the most critical, spur of the moment decision I made all weekend.

A very embarrassing and belated announcement: Post 2040 Fanfic

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 09:31:37 GMT

I thought I should make it public on this site that I've also restarted my Bubblegum Crisis Post 2040 fanfic series over on http://www.fanfiction.net/. (I'm in the middle of part 3 of a 4 part mega story, which is installment #7.) If you're interested, head over there and check it out. I also posted all of the previous installments on the site so you can read from the beginning.

If you like anime cyberpunk written for mature adults with more than a little lesbianism, this would be your thing.

It's also my way of explaning why my personal writing productivity is very sporadic these days. :)

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 6: The Reception: "Very Angry!"

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 08:33:04 GMT

Thinking back on it, there were a lot of ironies around me attending the Sakura Con reception.

Irony #1: Due to my years of volunteering for theater, social and political organizations, whenever I’ve been part of a reception, it was usually as a worker instead of an attendee. And if I did attend, it was usually a case where I knew half of the people there anyway. It never occurs to me to focus on trying to mix and mingle with the guests because I considered that a perk really for other people because I usually knew or met the guests beforehand for preparations.

When it comes to IY, I had nothing to say to them, even if we spoke the same language. So I had no intention of using the opportunity to interact with them. And especially after the thrill of my brief personal moment with them at the autograph session, my fan girl needs were more than satisfied for the weekend so anything else that would happen would be a pure bonus.

Irony #2: I’ll be the first one to admit I’m not by nature a overtly social person. I don’t get a thrill of talking to people just for the sake of talking to them. It’s not a case of being shy, which I am not at all, it’s a case that I need a purpose or reason to do something. Hanging out for the sake of hanging out is not my thing. I can be the hostess or a facilitator of a discussion when the situation requires, but it’s not my preferred thing. To truly get the most out of receptions (or any social function for that matter) mean you should be willing to aggressively mix and mingle, otherwise you’re not going to end up interacting with anyone.

But I am an observer and a listener, and such crowds can offer interesting moments and sound bites. So add on the component of a mixture of special guests and anime con attendees, I figure it would be ripe with possibilities.

Irony #3: Even though I originally found out about the event because of Little D and had responded to her request for company, she and I did not hang out together at all at that event since she seemed to have bonded pretty well with Big D and others. This was actually fine with me because this meant I could participate (or not) in the event to my personal comfort levels. And again, I was in the primary mode of attending just to show presence and support.

Thanks to Little D’s constant checking with the event coordinator, she found out some critical pieces of information. The most important of which was that it wasn’t going to be a sit down event but a stand and mingle process. And since the reception was supposed to be a limited event with an extra ticket price, there wasn’t such a strong feeling of having to line up early to get the “best seat”.

Still, that didn’t stop our growing fan group from wanting to gather early and hang out.

I arrived at the hotel by myself and quickly found the signs directing me to the pending reception in the meeting rooms. Of course, it took just once glance at the forming crowd at the end of the hallway to see I had reached the right place.

So the members of the original group and a handful of newer faces were sitting down on the floor near the generic doors that lined the wide hallway. Being the practical person that I am, I sat down on the floor by the wall since I wanted back support for the pending wait.

Since most of the fans waiting had gone to the autograph session, we spent the time swapping stories of our individual signing moments with H&A. It turned out most of us had non-H&A material signed, which meant to me was a good thing. It would leave a great impression on IY that their American supporters were knowledgeable fans about them, not just responding to the H&A publicity machine. And hopefully that would feed back to Up-Front to bring other acts over to U.S. soil (outside of Hawaii.)

Based on watching convention and hotel staffers slipping in and out of the still closed room, I slowly became aware of the fact that my particular waiting spot was right by the main door of the event. This meant that I was literally within five feet of the guests and their entourages as they were ushered in prior to the event.

As the start time approached and the waiting crowd grew larger, I indulged in a little bit of fan fun of trying to recognize the guest of honor who was arriving at the moment, knowing that most of them were expected to attend. My anime fan knowledge helped me recognize some Japanese voice actors as they arrived but obviously they weren’t providing the real thrill of the evening for me.

So when we spotted a few familiar staff faces from the autograph session leading two figures wearing large coats and head coverings, we knew H&A had arrived.

Now, before I write what happened next, I am going to state very clearly that I would not write this if I did not sincerely believe this happened. I have no reason to make this up with so many witnesses around us.

Rika was in the front and of course looking around to see where she was going. Yossie right behind her with a hat pulled low over her face. When Rika got to the door next to where we were, she glanced over at us. With an obvious look of recognition, she immediately smiled at us and briefly bowed as she walked by. I even had brief eye contact with her when she did that.

I was so stunned that all I could do was smile back. It was the moment that confirmed what I had always sensed about her (and Yossie) in that she was a woman who really appreciated her fans.

When the doors were finally opened, the guests and their staffers were all lined up against one wall while everyone else was allowed to gather around the rest of the room, with tables ready with food and drink.

I had to admit I was momentarily concerned about the dress code but Little D had confirmed that it would be at least Con standards, which meant no thong bikinis – a standard I could handle. But it was interesting to see both guests and attendees in a wide range of attire, with H&A towards on one extreme. Along with cosplayers, there were some very noticeable wotas, like two Japanese guys who wore Gatas shirts with (I believe) Yossie’s number of 10.

So the event started with introductions of the guests where they could also speak to the crowd (through interpreters as needed.) H&A were some of the last to be introduced, which was extremely satisfying to hear the lengthy and loud applause they received compared to the other guests. I think IY were genuinely stunned by the greeting.

I don’t remember line for line what H&A said during the intros, but I do remember how they both had to comment how they felt very underdressed compared to the cosplay costumes they had seen at the Con so far. And it was cute when Rika apologized for not feeling well and that she couldn’t eat the egg rolls that were offered. It was even cuter when Yossie grabbed the mike from her and declared in English “She’s angry! Very angry!” (IY!!!) Needless to say, the crowd – myself included – loved that moment.

Before letting the reception start in allow attendees to mingle with the guests, the organizer announced that the guests should be allowed to get food first. When mingling was finally allowed, a large line of fans almost immediately formed in front of H&A. Since this happened on the opposite side of the room where we had planted ourselves, all we could see was this single file line of people while other attendees and guests seemed to roam around at will.

For me, the importance now was getting food and checking out who else of the fan crowd was just hanging out, which turned out to be a handful. So we continued to chat amongst ourselves as we kept a casual eye on the lengthy line that had formed in front of H&A.

I remember a moment where looked around and noticed two young woman wearing white frilly dresses and thought “Wow, they really decided to dress up for the reception.” It took me a moment to realize that they cosplaying IY from the “Osaka Koi No Uta” PV. I laughed to myself for not making that immediate connection.

As time went on, it was clear that the H&A fan line seemed to persist.

One of the other fans I hung out with commented in frustration how we should get IY plates of food so they could at least eat since it was clear they hadn’t had an opportunity. That was when Terrie, the Asian fan who had missed out on the autograph session, explained that IY wouldn’t accept it anyway. For safety reasons, they would only eat food they had selected themselves or were prepared by their management staff.

It turns out the food issue was minimal since the H&A group left early. The unsurprising explanation that went around was that Rika was not feeling well at all.

So with them gone, our fan group decided on the strategy for meeting up for the concert the next night. Since it was supposed to start at 7 p.m., the group agreed to line up as early as possible. Based on research the previous year’s con’s activities, some fans even suggested to start as soon as the previous event ended, which would be around 2:30 p.m.

Since it was a long day, and I felt compelled to go hang out with my hostess for a bit (since I was staying at her home for free after all), I left the Con after agreeing to meet the group at 4 p.m. on Saturday.

Next: The Concert (Part 1?)

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 5: The Autograph Session: "Saikou!"

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:25:53 GMT

When I left for my trip, I was aware of four events that would be H&A related: an autograph session at noon on Friday (opening day of the Con), the guest reception that night, and the concert on Saturday, and a Q&A panel on Sunday.

From over twenty years of attending various fan conventions, I learned the hard lesson that you must ALWAYS pick up your badges during pre-reg time if that is possible. For you uninitiated: “pre-reg” is usually that window of time the day before the official start dates of the event. It’s usually limited to people who register for the entire event rather just wanting to attend a single day or two. This way, you don’t end up in obnoxiously long lines where you’re not only waiting with other fully registered attendees but also single-day attendees.

A bad example of this was the year I went to Anime Expo for a single day registration. I spent 5 hours in that line just to pick up my badge. I spent more time in the line than in the con.

With the H&A autograph session being scheduled as one of the first Con events on opening day, the pre-reg pick up rule was a must. (A good thing too because I heard afterwards that there was a horribly long wait that day for badge pick-ups and why a lot of people missed out on the session.)

Now, I’m not into autographs in general. In fact, I don’t like them because the autographs are usually done over artwork or pictures that I would much prefer to look at instead. But, I do know the power of showing support by participating in an activity for people who hold such events. And for me, my primary goal was to give as much participatory support for H&A as possible.

That being said, I had read on the message boards that autographs for H&A was limited to “official” merchandise only. Well, of all of the authentic merchandise that I own of IshiYoshi, if I wanted them to sign something, it wouldn’t be H&A material. (Don’t get me wrong, I love the music but the goth fashion part is just not my thing. I think they should ditch the goth look and just perform in their personally preferred jeans, t-shirts and leather and just focus on the music and performing!)

I have a mini IshiYoshi/Morning Musume picture “shrine” in my work cubicle (a source of amusing co-worker anecdotes, I assure you.) One of my prize displays is a set of large solo pics of Rika and Yossie from their Ongaku Gatas tour last November, where they’re wearing the black and red plaid outfits. These are “official” items (i.e., not bootleg or homemade), but not Hangry & Angry related unfortunately. I decided to bring these pictures with me, just in case.

And I planned to bring my H&A U.S. version of the CD as a fallback option. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was in Eugene when I realized that I had forgotten it. Oops.

The Thursday night before, I hooked up with “Rev2HD” (poster from JPH!P, whom I’ll refer to as “Little D” going forward based on her real name), and “Daigong” (“Big D” I guess), one of the main dudes from that same message board. We picked up our badges in 45 minutes, went out to eat and had very interesting conversations. Since the priority for the three of us was H&A activities, the strategy for the autograph session was to meet as early as possible – which would be about 11 am to line up.

Big D realized that he forgot to bring his merchandise for signing as well. Unfortunately, the exhibitor’s hall, which would most likely have a booth for Japanfiles to sell H&A material would open at Noon… The autograph session begins at noon. (Major drama was felt about this.)

So while the three of us were trying to figure out the layout for lining up for autographs outside of the designated convention hall, and how to meet the “official” merchandise requirement, I had noticed that there was an official con sign board on display that listed out the rules for the autograph session. The biggest rule that caught our eye was that a “raffle” process would be used for signing.

This raffle process was described as tickets being given out to people who stood in line, with limited numbers to be called. So the very possible end result is that the process meant that even if you lined up first, you were NOT guaranteed to get an autograph. A late person could arrive, get a winning ticket, and get their autograph signed instead of you. Needless to say, we were not pleased about that – it’s one thing to be “fair”, it’s another thing to screw the people who made the extra effort to do things like show up early just to line up early.

When the three of us then ran into “Stark”, the Convention Chair, whom Big D had previous conversations with. In chatting with him (entertaining guy, btw), we found that Rika and Yossie had already arrived a couple of days earlier. Plus, both of them, especially Rika, were suffering from horrible jetlag and time-difference adjustments. As he described it, the two of them were doing autograph signings for convention staffers the night before and looked like they had been signing for four hours even though it had only been twenty minutes. It was interesting tidbit that turned out to be very important later on.

Oh, and that we missed H&A appearing at the opening ceremonies. Duhhh! I could have kicked myself on that one.

And Stark mentioned the con program book qualified as “official” merchandise – if we were truly desperate.

The raffle discussion also didn’t make the three of us feel happy about the situation if we’re limited to one autograph a piece (meaning, we can’t give a person with a winning raffle ticket our items to sign instead.) He explained that the rule was established so keep guests from signing autographs forever. My personal thought about that is just announce ‘The line ends here!’ (It’s what they do at other, bigger conventions I’ve attended.) Ah well… But he did say that there's an unofficial policy that you can ask for autographs at the reception that night if things didn't work out during the official session.

So Stark left, and we were back to dealing with just getting into the line (we were like within the first 10 people) and figuring out the “official” merchandise issue. Big D went down to the Exhibit Hall line (because it hadn’t opened yet) while Little D and I held our places in line even if it turned out to be futile.

This was the point when it started to become clear that the hard-core Hello! Project message boards people were all at the beginning of the line (big surprise.) So introductions were made with putting faces to online names, and fan chat and picture-taking went on. And as word about the pending raffle went around, we decided to make the most of our waiting time even if it ultimately meant no autograph as a result.

Luckily, it seemed that the Exhibit Hall opened early that Big D was able to grab some CDs and posters for us to sign. And because he bought so much merchandise, he was also given “priority” tickets for autograph signing. How that was going to work with the raffle, we had no idea. (Another ticket process to keep track of.)

So now I owned a third H&A CD (including the U.S. and Japan release versions I had at home.) Still, it would be worth it if I could have them sign it, more to show that their CD/music was selling. But me being the kind of person who likes to do things a little ‘differently’, I decided I wanted them to sign the picture inside the insert of them pulling each other’s hair (wigs). A lot more fun and well… IshiYoshi.

Now, as the time for the autograph session grew nearer, it was clear that the line for them was NOT that long, which I thought was disappointing in terms of showing H&A support. That turned out to be fortunate because the raffle process was never used. YEA!!! One obstacle down!

So as we walked into the hall, we all noticed that an official merchandise table was setup to the side. My eyes immediately zoomed in on the official H&A photo sets that they offered, which Big D did not pick up. With the idea of adding to my IshiYoshi picture shrine at work, these were a must buy. It also meant that I got my priority ticket for signing.

The final autograph line up process was interesting in that the “priority” line was obviously shorter than the regular sign up line, but not really by that much. It quickly became clear that we could line up more than once if the attendance was this minimal, which meant at least two autographs a piece!

So I got in the priority line and had them sign my CD insert picture. Since I don’t speak Japanese whatsoever (I understand more than I can speak due to almost a decade of watching Japanese videos), all I did was smile and nodded at them. Yossie did hers first, gave eye contact and said a ‘thank you’ before focusing on the next person. Rika signed but I didn’t get eye contact with her but I kind of noticed that she didn’t seem like she was that energetic or in the rhythm of signing items. Maybe I just got her in a low moment.

Now, with all of my bravado about being so jaded and only attending to show fan support, I was emotionally disappointed at such a brief encounter. Of course, I got into line the second time since I wanted them to sign one of the H&A photos I had just bought. But my disappointment burned in the back of my mind if I was going to be set up for a second “processing yet another fan” moment.

That’s when I started to pay attention to what other people had brought to have signed. It was clear that not all of it were H&A material – especially for the others who had gone into the line more than once. And a couple were even homemade items.

So as I moved towards the front of the line for the second time, that’s when I decided to be ‘selfish’ in that if I spent the time, effort and money to come to this event, I was going to get the one thing that I wanted out of it: my Ongaku Gatas promo photos signed! I was literally the person behind Yossie’s current focus when I made my final decision and hastily switched out the H&A photos for the OG photos.

I don’t know if the two of them remembered me – not expecting them to after all, but the experience was MUCH better this time around. When Yossie saw the picture that I wanted her to sign, she gave a cry of pleased surprise (you Yossie wotas know what I’m talking about.) Rika looked at her OG picture and declared “Saikou!” We definitely had eye contact and exchanged a smile that time. J

I left the line thinking the weekend could not get any better!

Since I wasn’t primarily focused on attending Sakura Con outside of H&A events, it was a case of “Now what?” The reception was that evening, which was quite a few hours away.

That’s when I noticed that the fan clique had grown to about six or seven, who was hanging off to the side of the autograph area. So we all waited, chatted, and watching other people getting their signatures.

And then we noticed that even though the signing was supposed to last until 2 p.m., the H&A team actually packed up shortly about 1:30 p.m.

With them now gone, and us still hanging out in the autograph signing area, this led to the other fans participating in photo ops with THE chairs IY sat in – including a moment of comical confusion trying to figure out which chairs they were.

And no, I didn’t participate. There’s fan support and then there’s FAN support. It was also then I was started to make it public my ‘old fart’ nature as my excuse for not participating in certain things, or to leave early when my social energy level was gone.

Even though the H&A autograph session ended at a time that there didn’t seem to be any ‘unattended’ fans, unfortunately it did turn out to have some people arrive after that who had literally just got out of the registration line, including a hard-core Asian female fan who came to Sakura Con just for them. Her disappointment being obvious, it was suggested to her to try to attend the reception with all of us and see if she could get her own autographs, since that was an unwritten possibility for that event.

And so we all went out separate ways (Big D to his press conference – slight jealousy there), and agreed to meet outside the reception area before that event.

Next: The Reception: "Very Angry!"

Lesbo Ero Novella "Deseo" now Available!

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 04:41:18 GMT

"Deseo" (The Story of Susan and Maya)
by P. Kristen Enos

ISBN: 978-0-557-06571-4

Publisher: Lulu.com

eBook: 645 KB PDF file - Price US$5

Paperback: 97 pages, 4.25" x 6.88", perfect binding, black and white interior ink - Price US$15

(Edit: By buying this book, you are confirming that you are of age in your country to read such material.)

Both download and paperback versions can be ordered at Lulu.com:
http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/deseo/6860290

If you are interested in another online shopping outlet, I am on standby for when/if the book can be available on Amazon.com (U.S. version). Final confirmation should arrive in 6 to 8 weeks. I will publish another post when I am notified it will be available (or not) through Amazon.com.

Here's some sample pics of the book (note that my hand is the size of an Asian woman!)

There is a preview sample on the Lulu site of the prologue.

Here's an extended preview of both the prologue and chapter 1. I just copied and pasted from the final print file. (All rights reserved!):

Prologue

he muffled melodic voice of Celine Dion suddenly coming from the kitchen caused Susan to look up from her book curiously. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost six-thirty and wondered who could be calling at this time on a Saturday evening. She jumped from the couch and rushed to see if she could fish the phone out of her purse before the call went to voice mail. By the time she reached the kitchen counter, the phone was silent, showing that she hadn’t made it.

Still, she pulled out the phone and saw that the caller had been Tom. He was an old college friend who only called her when he was between serious girlfriends but needed a date for functions he had to attend for his law firm. She actually didn’t mind since it meant an opportunity for dressing up, great food and maybe some dancing.

Instead of waiting for a voice mail that was probably in the process of being recorded, she immediately pressed the call button.

Tom responded right away. “Hey, Susie!” he greeted. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

She smirked at his opening words that never changed over the years. “No, not at all. Just having a quiet evening with a good book. How are things?”

“Pretty good. Hey, I just found out that the firm bought a table at a fancy fundraising dinner downtown next month. It’s Saturday the 8th. But, well, it’s a little different than the usual dinners. -- ”

The hesitation in the otherwise self-assured, almost cocky man got her attention.

“ – It’s for some organization that does AIDS and Breast Cancer work. Apparently, we’re doing it as a goodwill thing. And Max thinks there may be some very rich clients that we would attract if we showed that we supported the event. But he did say that if you can’t handle seeing a fag in a dress, then you probably shouldn’t go.” He added with a chuckle, “I’m not thrilled about the idea myself, but I’ll be fine as long as they keep their distance, which won’t be a problem if you’re there.”

Susan thought about it for a moment. She really didn’t know any gay people so the idea of going to an event full of them was an unusual proposition indeed. Her silence must have made him more nervous since he asked, “You still there?”

“Um, yes, I was just trying to determine how I’d feel about attending such an event. I mean, I’m for supporting good causes, but – you’re right – it might be a little awkward to see something like that. I’m glad you warned me.”

“Oh… so does that mean you don’t want to go? Hey,” he said in the spontaneous cheerfulness that added to his charisma as a lawyer, “I’ve been told they’re serving some great food with an open bar. There’s also supposed to be a live band but, well, I think that dancing would be too weird… And if you just can’t take it anymore, we can arrange a signal to leave early. I can always come up with an excuse, I’m a lawyer after all,” he reassured her with a chuckle.

She smiled and said, “Well, I guess I have nothing to worry about then. I don’t think I’ll have problems with it, so you’ve got a deal.”

“Great!”

Chapter 1

he live band managed to get a large crowd on the dance floor by its third song. Susan sighed inwardly as she watched couples in various gender combinations bounce around in fun in their tuxedos and fancy gowns. She wanted to dance herself, but she knew Tom was far more interested in commanding the attention of his coworkers and their dates with lively jokes.

Though still early in the evening, she had stopped paying attention half an hour ago to the chat, limiting herself to responding with a pleasant smile to the occasional look from someone around her. She was smart enough to keep up with the lawyers’ conversations and jokes, but she just wasn’t interested in the subject matter of political issues and scandals.

She realized other tables that still had people sitting down were filled with very lively conversations and laughter. She couldn’t help but wonder what the other party attendees talked about.

Susan felt her smile falter as she once again felt his hand press against the back of her bare shoulder. But she immediately chastised herself for being a little hypocritical given why she was here in the first place.

She and Tom had first met when they both lived in the dorms in their first year of college. Even before she really got to know him, she was attracted to his energetic and smooth charm. She had finally gotten to know him when he started to date her roommate. But as expected of college romances, when he ended the romance, Susan was already dating a friend of his. And though there were periods where they had both been single at the same time, he never pursued her romantically, which affirmed her disappointment that he just wasn’t attracted to her.

And as the years passed, even though they didn’t see each other as much since he moved to the city for his job at the law firm, they remained casual friends. Then about five years ago, he called her out of the blue and mentioned that he needed a casual date for an event at his firm. At first, she was thrilled at what she hoped was a disguised attempt to start something romantic. But it was clear as the evening went on that he remained true to his voiced intention of keeping the event casual between them. Susan quickly chastised herself for being too hopeful and settled into her role of the pleasant date.

So when Tom called her up again about half a year later with a similar offer, she looked at the invites as an opportunity for a nice night out.

With that experienced mindset, Susan didn’t think any further about the latest invite other than an opportunity to buy an outfit that was far fancier than her usual attire of simple dresses or skirts.

However, as the night drew nearer, she did start to be concerned about her own comfort level regarding the event in question. The idea of being confronted with lecherous advances by manly women in tuxedos with cigars didn’t appeal to her. But instead of backing out – which she wouldn’t have done anyway since she always kept her word -- her curiosity couldn’t help but be piqued.

She figured that as long as she dressed as feminine as possible and Tom never left her side, she would be safe. At the least, she knew it would be an unforgettable night. She just had to remind herself not to stare too much if she came across a man who wore an evening gown.

However, the reality of the event was just as unforgettable. Ever since she had first entered the lobby of the elegant and grand hotel, her gaze darted everywhere, absorbing all the details of the reality of a black tie fundraiser for breast cancer and AIDS. Her breath was taken away when they entered the beautifully decorated and populated ballroom.

Yes, she saw butch women in tuxedos and men in evening gowns. But they were dressed to impress, not to be a parody of the opposite gender. And there were far more people who were dressed in very stylish attire for their own gender, even if they seemed to be in same sex pairings.

At first, Susan did feel a little nervous, not wanting to be out of Tom’s proximity, occasionally clinging to his arm – something she usually never did on their previous dates. Yet, as the evening went on, her comfort level increased. She no longer felt the need to prove her heterosexuality to people who honestly didn’t seem to care. And in fact, she realized that a majority of the event attendees were in heterosexual pairings. By the time they had sat down to eat, she was finally able to relax and enjoy the incredible food and wine as well as the aura of a crowd that clearly had a lot of money to contribute to a good cause.

Unfortunately, Tom didn’t seem to relax at all as the evening progressed. When Susan had stopped clinging to him, he would start to reach for her as he spoke to everyone he knew related to his firm. He finally just draped his arm across the back of her shoulder as if it was his expected right to be there.

Even though they had only been there for about two hours, she was becoming a little tired of his constant presence. Once, in an attempt to get a little personal space, Susan walked out to the lobby, which had clusters of event attendees. But Tom was right behind her, apparently not willing to risk even a moment of appearing alone.

Resigned to spending the evening as a mere observer of the true fun to be had at this event, Susan resorted to watching the dancing crowd.

Her gaze occasionally lingered on a gorgeous woman with long black hair in a strapless, short red dress that was wrapped tightly around her curves. Her skin was light brown, indicating that she was probably Latina. The dancing woman seemed to be having a great time as she laughed and gyrated playfully with a multitude of gorgeous dance partners of both genders.

Susan remembered noticing the woman several times earlier in the evening in various places around the ballroom and hallways, always surrounded by other gorgeous men and women vying for her attention. That woman responded to everyone with a playful smile and a little flirtation, yet never favoring a single person above anyone else, showing that she must have been without a date.

Susan would have thought that watching women interact with obvious sexual intentions would be creepy and gross, but she found it wasn’t. After all, these were gorgeous people, and the attraction was genuine. It created an incredible atmosphere that was both sexy and fun.

Already feeling quite out of her league by attending such an event, Susan couldn’t help but feel just a bit of jealousy at how someone like that easily commanded so much attention, even from total strangers like her. Being just an administrative assistant at an accounting office, Susan never dreamed she’d ever be at an event with such rich and powerful people. So it was probably for the best that she was just a quiet observer for the evening.

Knowing that she would never get her date on the dance floor at this event, Susan finished off her glass of wine in one long sip. Wanting to stretch her legs and get some space, Susan leaned over to Tom and whispered, “Excuse me.”

As she stood, his smile instantly faltered and his eyes widened slightly in panic. “Where are you going?”

She ignored the curious looks from the rest of the people at the table as she responded honestly with an assuring smile, “Just the little girl’s room. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Clearly uncomfortable, he flashed her a nervous smile and said, “I’ll be waiting.”

She gave him her patented polite smile before walking away. Every step made her feel more energetic and at ease, as her smiles to passing people had become truly genuine.

In her first trip to the bathroom earlier in the evening, Susan was pleasantly surprised to see such a nice lounge area in the women’s restroom. She wondered if this was standard for ritzy hotels to have an area with several large mirrors and mini-sofas with the actual bathroom facilities in the next room.

She planted herself down in an unoccupied corner, which was out of direct sight of the constant traffic of women passing by to enter or leave the restroom. A few occasionally stopped in the lounge area to fix their hair, makeup or check their wardrobe. Everyone gave her a courteous nod and smile, which she easily returned as she felt herself finally relax.

Susan wasn’t much of a social bunny herself, finding it hard to start conversations with complete strangers. But she enjoyed watching people, and this evening proved to be very worthwhile for that kind of entertainment. She mildly worried that if she might seem too obvious in staring at men and women who wore things that were not typical. But no one seemed to care, and that was just as fine.

She had been in the lounge for a few minutes when Judy, one of Tom’s coworkers came into the restroom and looked around the lounge.

The two women’s eyes instantly locked and Judy proclaimed, “Ah ha! I thought you were hiding out in here!”

“No, not really,” Susan protested, despite the fact that her face was red with embarrassment. She lied feebly, “I just wanted a little break from those uncomfortable dining chairs.”

“Oh tell me about it!” Judy proclaimed as she sat down on the sofa as well. “My ass is so sore. You think these hotels would invest in something comfortable if they know we’re going to spend $5,000 a plate.”

Susan’s eyes almost fell out of her head. “I didn’t realize that’s how much Tom paid to attend!”

“Oh please! Tom didn’t pay – none of us did,” she scoffed casually. “The table was paid for by the firm, at a discounted rate. But it gives listing rights in the program and good advertisement to this crowd.”

Susan couldn’t help but be aware of the occasional glances from women as they entered or left. “So the firm has a lot of, uh, this type of clientele?”

“Not yet, but they want to. Money always talks.” Then Judy leaned over conspiratorially, “Now ‘fess up. What’s the deal with you and Tom? Are you two becoming serious now? You’re the only date he keeps bringing back.”

“Things are going okay,” she answered vaguely. Not wanting to undermine whatever Tom might have said to them separately.

Perhaps sensing the lack of true commitment, Judy narrowed her eyes at her for a moment and then said, “Well, be warned, I know of two women who have their eyes on him – one who’s in his department no less.”

“Thank you for warning me,” Susan answered with projected sincerity. “That will give me something to think about.”

“Well, I really have to go tinkle,” Judy said, “so I’ll leave you alone. But I also want to warn you. You’re a lot better than the sluts he usually shows up with.”

“Oh. Thank you,” she said, her smile now very forced.

Once Judy had done her business and then left the restroom with a parting nod, Susan resolved to have a talk with Tom about these dates, and if they should continue.

She couldn’t deny Judy’s point that Tom was a good catch. He was a lawyer, good looking and nice. Yet, even though she had learned not to expect any real romance with him, she had to admit she would be delighted if he ever made a real advance towards her.

However, she wondered if her passive interest was due to her own lack of a man in her life. It had been almost 10 years, and she hadn’t met a man who stirred her interest in the same bubbly way as the crazy emotional but fleeting college romances. Yet, perhaps that was the intoxication of youth, and shouldn’t be the standard for measuring adult relationships, which should involve a lot more logic and planning for the future.

And thinking about it now, she would probably be very suspicious of a man who tried to charm her with the same boyish ways that made her heart flutter in the college dorms. But where does one find a man who was willing to be mature and reliable – who wasn’t already spoken for by far more desirable women? Her youth was wasting away and nothing was going to change if she didn’t do anything besides spend her weekends with a book.

She then frowned to herself for having such gloomy thoughts when she was all dressed up and hiding in a hotel restroom. True, she wasn't a party animal, but a girl's got to get something for shelling out so much money for a dress she may not wear again.

As she was about to stand and muster the strength it would take to return to the table, she froze at the sight of a familiar, shapely pair of legs poised on red spiked heels standing before her. She followed the curves up the red dress to find a mildly smiling woman she had noticed on the dance floor earlier. Susan's eyes widened when she realized the other woman was even more gorgeous than she had thought.

“Hello,” the newcomer said, motioning with the small purse in her hand, “Do you mind if I join you for a bit?”

Collapsing back onto the loveseat, she managed to blurt, “No-no, not at all.”

“My name is Maya,” she said with a mild Spanish accent underneath her words as she sat down next to her. She immediately sat back on the loveseat with a style and ease of someone who knew how to command attention. “And yours?”

“Susan,” she answered, noticing the slight sheen of sweat on the woman's tanned, smooth skin. She didn’t know if she should offer her hand for a shake, but since Maya didn’t make a similar gesture, she kept her now fidgety fingers in her lap, tightly clutching her own purse. Why was she suddenly so nervous?

She took a calming breath and the gentle smell of perfume, which was a refreshing change from Tom's overpowering cologne.

With the bright green eyes of a cat, Maya gave her a studious look before saying, “I believe you’re sitting at the table sponsored by the Todd and Grant Law Firm, correct? Are you a lawyer?”

“Oh, no, I’m not! That’s my date,” she explained. She was momentarily bewildered to feel her heart have the slight squeeze of disappointment. “Um, I can introduce you to him, if you want.”

Clearly somehow pleased by her response, Maya’s eyes sparkled slightly. “That’s quite all right. I’m not interested in legal advice. So he’s your ‘date’? Not ‘boyfriend’, ‘husband’ or ‘significant other’?”

Susan suddenly felt the tightness of her heart disappear and replace by the flutter of mild panic. “We’re old friends,” she admitted. “He asked me to attend.”

“Oh? And did he tell you about what kind of event this was?” Her tone remained passive but there seemed to be a dry tone of teasing underneath it.

“Well, I think that’s why he wanted me to come along. To make sure he looked… taken,” she said, suddenly mildly alarmed if she had said too much. But if you can’t be honest in the bathroom, where else can you be honest? “Frankly, I have to admit I was a little nervous but this party turned out to be more interesting than I thought it would.”

She noticed that having Maya there attracted curious and even jealous looks from some women as they passed through the lounge. Susan suddenly felt a bit of the ease of confidence gained from being the object of envy.

Maya seemed even more pleased as she tilted her head at her coquettishly, “So then it’s not a coincidence that you’ve been watching me all evening?”

Susan’s eyes widened as her question sunk in. “I-I didn’t think I was that obvious. I mean, I didn’t mean to stare or anything.”

She chuckled a bit. “Oh, trust me, I didn’t notice at first. It was brought to my attention.”

Susan’s face was now flushed with red in embarrassment. She dreaded the idea that anyone at her own table had noticed.

Maya winked and said, “When you’re well connected at a party, you end up with more eyes than just the ones in your head. And I’m here to let you know that I’m flattered.”

“Oh. Um, you’re welcome?” she responded meekly.

“I would have approached you at your table, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate… And am I being presumptuous in thinking that you’re not really enjoying yourself? Given that you’ve been sitting here for a while now? You appeared a little bored outside.”

Susan shrugged. “It’s not that bad. I was just about to leave.”

Maya pursed her lips thoughtfully as she continued to stare deep into the other woman’s eyes, as if she was looking for something. She then said, “Well, I’ve made my appearances and caught up on the latest gossip. I’m done with the party, but unfortunately I’m not tired. If you are interested, you’re welcome to come up to my suite, and we can create our own event, for as little or as long as you like.”

“… I beg your pardon?”

Maya face turned a shade more serious as she lowered her tone for just the two of them even though she hadn’t been talking that loudly to begin with, “If I have offended you, you have my sincerest apologies. However, my offer is just as sincere. You have a sweet quality that I find very attractive. But if you wish, I will leave you alone right now and never acknowledge this conversation if we should ever cross paths again.”

As the words sunk in, Susan’s face flickered with conflicting emotions.

Seeing that confused silence was better than an articulated “no”, the woman gave her the sly, confident smile of someone who knew her words were clearly heard and understood. “We won’t do anything you don’t want to do. I’ll guarantee cab fare home, but I can’t take care of your date. That is something you’ll have to take care of. If truly you want to.”

Susan was still completely stunned and speechless as she watched Maya open her purse to produce the hotel key card and casually tossed it into her lap.

“Floor 50, Suite 201.” Maya then leaned so close to the other woman that her lips grazed the lobe of her ear. “Life is short, no?”

With a triumphant smile, she then stood and strolled out, leaving the stunned woman in her wake.

Several minutes later, Susan was still sitting on the loveseat, her face flushed with blood. The traffic and curious looks from women suddenly brought her back to reality.

She stared down at the room key and held it up. She then found herself repeating over and over again “Floor 50, suite 201. Floor 50, suite 201…” She reached for a paper towel and scribbled down the information with her lipstick.

- End Chapter 1 -

And if you still can't decide if you want to buy this, click on the "Deseo" tag to find the original rough draft that also contains Chapter 2!

Thanks for your interest! K ;)

Sample copy of "Deseo" arrived but...

Sun, 31 May 2009 06:14:11 GMT

Approving the sample copy was supposed to be the final step before I could make "Deseo" (the lesbo ero novella, remember?) available.

It arrived today and while it does look great, there's no text on the spine. I realized it's a very thin book, which is why I call it "novella", but I think there's room for text. And I'm a little old-fashioned for my physical copies that I want to be able to put it on the shelf and read the title.

So I've sent an email to the publisher (who designed the cover for me) on 'what gives?'

If they tell me that it just wasn't technically feasible -- like the book is too thin, then I'll make the book available as soon as possible.

If they tell me they can correct it and resend sample copy number two, then you can imagine the delay (of probably another two weeks.)

BUT, in the mean time, here's the basic info:

Title: "Deseo"
(Back cover subtitle: "The Story of Susan and Maya")
Paperback, perfect bound pocket-size book, 97 pages.
A PDF eBook version will be available but more info on that when I make the real announcement of availability.

Oh and btw, when I post ordering info, I WILL mark it as Adult only viewing. Gotta cover my a$$ after all.

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 4: The Stars Aligning

Thu, 14 May 2009 07:59:26 GMT

Though I joke about it a lot, I’m not a believer in fate or destiny or any higher manipulating power. I do admit that there are times that do make me wonder, but usually those moments are not in my favor.

Yet, what are the odds of having these two people, whom I’ve recently rediscovered a fascination with, be scheduled to appear within an easy trip of where I live? There’s no doubt that I would eventually try to make my way to Japan to see Rika and Yossie at some sort of concert or event but this was just too easy and timely.

And I’m a firm believer in the true test of a entertainer is to see a live show. I’ve made more than a handful of special and expensive trips to Broadway or Vegas to see legendary acts in what were usually once in a life-time events. So going to an anime con a couple of states north was not a big deal.

Even if Hangry & Angry had been scheduled somewhere else in the U.S., I think I would have made plans to go, but Seattle was just incredibly convenient. My company is a national company and I have coworkers in that area so a quick call provided me a free (and fun) place to stay.

Now, I have absolutely no problems with going on trips alone. It’s not my preference because I do believe in the added fun of sharing an experience with someone. But the trick is knowing who to go with on certain events. For example, I would suggest to my gay male best friend to go on a trip to Vegas to go see Cher, but I wouldn’t suggest to him flying to New York to see Angela Lansbury’s 20 year return to Broadway for a limited run play.

I was content with H&A being a solo trip.

And since three of my lesbian best friends live in Eugene, I made it a double purpose trip to the Pacific Northwest. I’d visit them first (and educate them on Hello! Project and IshiYoshi while I’m at it), and then go up to Seattle for Sakura Con. Once I booked the plane tickets and the rental car, I just had to wait.

Meanwhile, I kept an eye on the Hello! Project message boards, which had become my habit after rediscovering IshiYoshi. It was how I found out about the concert so I figured as the Sakura Con date drew nearer, more event information might be posted.

I admit I’m a lurker for info. For me, the Internet is a task and information tool, not a social outlet. All of the nuances that I enjoy in a few hours of good face to face conversation with someone just can’t be had in a message board exchange. So I don’t bother.

However, a post on the JPH!P message board in the concert thread caught my eye. One of the posters found out information about a reception on the Friday night of the Con that would be for the guests of honors and attendees who wanted to pay an extra fee to go.

I didn’t have to think twice about buying the ticket even though H&A weren’t yet confirmed as attending. I’d rather gamble the expense than be sorry that I had missed out on an event that could be sold out.

But then the reception poster posted a request if anyone else was interested in going to the reception so he/she would have someone to hang out with, otherwise he/she wouldn’t feel comfortable going.

I am a sucker for requests for help. And when I checked the poster’s profile and saw that it was a female, I thought “Well, why not?” At the best, I’ll have someone fun to hang out with. At the worst, she’ll be an insufferable fangirl who’ll bug the beep out of me so much that end up I’ll ditching her in five minutes.

And I admit, if the poster had been a guy, I don’t think I would have felt as compelled to respond. Male-bonding seemed plentiful on that message board so I doubt the request would have gone unanswered for long. And I haven’t had significant exposure to heterosexual maleness since living in the college dorms over twenty years ago. While I do work several heterosexual males (and very well mind you), it’s not a thing that blends into my personal time.

So I actually created a login just to private message her. She responded with a confirmation, and we had coordinated plans to meet.

In one of our exchanges, she did ask how I got into HP and why I was specifically interested in going to see H&A. Was I a fan of Rika, or IshiYoshi, or what?

I had to think about that for a moment because I hadn’t really put my finger on why this event had become a Must Attend trip for me. And so I wrote back that I’m a fan of IshiYoshi, and that I love their chemistry that I wanted to be able to see as much of it in person, without relying on brief fan blurbs on message boards or edited footage.

And that’s what focused my personal attention for the three days of Sakura Con. If I could witness an IshiYoshi interaction, that would make my entire trip.

Now, I realized that hooking up with this poster possibly meant hooking up with other H!P fans, something I had very mixed feelings about given the range of comments I've seen on various message boards. For worst case scenario, I prepared myself to be surrounded by a very wide range of incompatible people in that I'll be in social observation mode for most of the weekend's activities.

On my last night in Eugene, my friends and I went to P.F. Chang’s for dinner. My fortunate cookie said that my future would hold a pleasant surprise. I don’t take much stock in those things other than to mildly note if it would come true.

In hindsight, it turned out to be right but not in the way I expected. Again, fate/destiny/whatever is a funny thing.

Next: Event 1: Friday Autograph Session

H&A at Sakura Con '09, Part 3: Becoming an IshiYoshi Believer

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 07:16:36 GMT

So I spent the next few weeks intellectually devouring everything I could find out about Rika and Yossie, including the related Morning Musume and Hello Project information. I was surprised and pleased at how much material was available thanks to English reading fan-base.

In my research, I also started to get a better understanding of the Japanese “Idol” system, which is what most of the HP girls were considered. When you're an Idol, you're packaging and marketing yourself as well as the material you perform. Career longevity and diversity only comes to the exceptionally talented and/or lucky.

With this new understanding of these career expectations as well as updated information on Japanese culture in general, I reassessed my opinions about Rika and Yossie as I found out more old and new information about them thanks to their many fans.

Here are the brief highlights of the story of Rika and Yossie according to what certain fans have pieced together:

In 2000, due to the sudden explosion of Morning Musume's popularity in the Japanese pop scene, 14 year-old Rika and Yossie joined over 25,000 other girls from across the country in an open audition call to fill three slots in the group. Even though it was conceded that neither of them were the most musically talented, they were chosen to join that Spring. The two girls were only three months apart in age, and had never met before the auditions. It was like the ultimate romantic beginning.

When they joined MM, the weekly “Hello Morning” television show had just been launched, which focused on the group in various activities (musical and otherwise), in order to promote the group as well as themselves individually. Rika eventually developed into the lovable dork character whereas Yossie started to become the devilishly charming tomboy.

And it was becoming apparent to everybody across the country in the first couple of years that they were unusually close. So apparent that tabloid articles were written about the two of them being a couple in early 2002, when they were 16 going on 17.

As a direct result of that spotlight, they suddenly didn't act close anymore. In public at least. Even to the point where Yossie professed Rika as being the LAST person in Morning Musume that she’d want as a girlfriend (if Yossie had been a guy) or to be in a singing group with… Of course.

Rika was then cultivated into the ultimate fan boy fantasy, and Yossie became an object of desire for both women and men. With various obstacles and distractions between them over the years, their bond seems to persevere. Nine years later, they still spend a lot of time together, for both work and play.

Now, I’m not going to summarize all of the potential “proof” that the collective fans have identified and gathered to show that they’ve always been a lot closer than they’ve publicly let on in the past -- (I googled for it so you can too). But I’m not one to take fan opinions at face value either. With a new perspective of “Is it possible they’re a closeted lesbian couple?”, I rewatched old videos of them interacting. I considered what other fans have pointed out, and noticed things they didn’t.

But was it enough to believe it’s all true? And why should I bother? After all, my standards for good lesbian-based material should mean that I’d want very out and positive icons, right? Heck, I’m so jaded that I’ve never watched an episode of “The L Word”, and have no desire to ever do so.

Well, I can excuse the not overtly out with the fact that they are Japanese and entertainers. But they’re clearly young women who know the importance of being role models – and that’s something, regardless of orientation and gender, that I can respect and admire.

Plus, they’re celebrities. Because you’ll never really get to know them as people, it’s all a fantasy for personal entertainment no matter which way you look at it.

It all boils down to chemistry. I’ve learned to appreciate chemistry between people when I see it. Good and bad; as friends or lovers. That’s what I love about the two of them in that they clearly have it, and it’s wonderful to watch. Though I do like them individually, I like them equally, and I like them the best when they’re together.

But do I really believe they’re in a relationship? Am I willing to become one of the many fans of IshiYoshi (ISHIkawa/YOSHIzawa)?

As a person who’s not fond of being proven wrong, I had severe doubts to take that last step. But given all of the bad, negative things in the world, wouldn’t it be wonderful if it was true? To enjoy this incredibly romantic story that has a very firm basis in reality? To enjoy it until it’s no longer proven true… if that ever happens?

Well, when I decided on the idea of “yes”, Hangry & Angry was announced a few days later. And when I saw the video with the occasional lesbian contact, it felt like the Universe was telling me that I made the right decision.

Next: They’re coming over HERE?!!!